I have people wanting to know why i want to die and why my mind is a mess. i already explained why i am depressed. i gave you my somewhat background. I don’t want people to know who i am either. So this is my situation…
My summer was great not going to lie, i had everything. Yeah i still struggled because i still struggled with self-harm and depression, but i was proud of myself and happy in June and July. i had my boyfriend, best friend, and i even had a job. My junior year i was in the mindset of not having on because i couldn’t find one and i didn’t have the motivation to have one, but i was able to get one. i didn’t even self-harm for the 3 whole months! I thought this was my moment to where i was able to get myself back on track and i could be happy with my life again. I was even off my meds for those 3 months.
The end of July, my boyfriend and i broke up. The last Monday of the July, I had gotten diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) I got upset because just another problem i had and another thing i had to work on. I started to get into a low mood, but i promised a lot of people i wouldn’t hurt myself during summer. Tuesday, i was working and my boyfriend and i kept fighting and the fighting had been going on since that Sunday. The fighting would not stop. We fought on tons of different things. We broke up. That got to me, i began crying every night. Wednesday, my best friend ever (of 8 years) got mad about my boyfriend and i. Her and i fought. We kept fighting, everyday. Some days we wouldn’t talk.
After days, we started talking and then we became good. We hung out. She started becoming distant with me again, then August 15th, we fought again. She was becoming distant with me and wasn’t talking to me anymore, and i was wondering if i did anything wrong. I decided to talk to her because it was the right thing to do, or so i thought. We fought and fought. She thought it wasn’t a big deal. So i decided to he stupid and tell her “i can’t be friends with someone who won’t put effort into our friendship.” and just like that, our friendship was done.
School started and i was thinking its been a couple weeks, and it hasn’t been so hard. Once school started i began missing her more because i saw her a lot and she is in my class. I started crying at least two times a day, everyday at school. She seemed happy without me and that really got me. I began not going to classes as much. School got concerned and they already knew my position. I messaged her a couple times and we got into a small argument but it was powerful. She told me the friendship was toxic. I didn’t believe it. I would always see her Friday nights, at football games. It just hurts to see her so happy.
She started liking my instagram posts again. We would talk here and there on instagram, small talk. I started the conversation. I thanked her for being my friend, but that was because i didn’t know what i was going to do. If i was going to kill myself or not, i didn’t because i’m still here. She never got mad for me talking to her, she told me she knows how hard this is.
Lately, it has been getting worse, the hurt and pain. I just don’t know how to move on from her. It is really killing me. As of right now, my situation is my ex best friend. I never thought i would lose her and i regret like everything. It hurts so bad.
2 months later and i’m still crying and missing her and i just wish everything would stop.