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My Story…

by imtryinghere

Everyone says …

”you’re not trying hard enough.”

”you want attention.”

”you want a reaction.”

”you don’t really want to die.”

But, no one knows what goes on in my mind. No one knows anything about me, they all just assume. They assume I can get better, but when you have this thing inside of you telling you that you should just die, it gets hard to even get yourself to try things to get better. I have tried many things. Went to therapy for a year and a half about, and come to find out my therapist told me she could do anything else for me. I’ve been in and out of the hospital 6 times, and one time I was impatient for 6 days. I went outpatient for 11 days. Only one the weekdays, the weekends I was at home. I was on medication for about a year, my mood never got anywhere just been really low. I stopped my meds this past summer, everything seemed fine. I had a job, I finally got a phone, I had a boyfriend, I had a best friend and her and I would hang out almost daily. I played soccer, that kept me really busy. Then August hit and everything started going downhill. I didn’t have my boyfriend, my best friend and I got into a fight. That affected me, but it really started to affect me once school started. I would see her everywhere, before school, in the halls, she is in one of my classes, she is even in my lunch, I mean I don’t even go to lunch because I have no friends in my lunch. I started to get really depressed once school started. I would cry in the bathroom for 10-15 minutes. About 3 weeks ago is when I have fallen into this really deep, dark hole. I don’t even know how to get out of it anymore besides suicide. I have attempted many times before, but I have always stopped myself because I would get really bad anxiety attacks, and I guess I couldn’t pull it off. Now I don’t know if I even have the courage to do it. People do know about my depression, so I’m not going through it totally alone. Even though some days I really do feels alone. Even when I have people. I have people at school check up on me, my teachers even know about me. I mean that was from last year though. It’s my senior year, and some teachers know about my self-harm and depression, but they really don’t talk to me about it, which is good. Because if they talked to me about it, I’d be in tears. There would be so many tears. I don’t really bother to hide it anymore, it takes too much energy to fake that smile and those laughs. If you are still reading this, good for you. Someone is actually interested in my life, and my story. Congratulations reading it this far, and congratulations for making this far into your life. I am here to share my story, and to spread positivity. I may want to die and see no future for myself, but I can still help others want to live. This is my story. This is what I am here for. Is to help others. I hope your situation will get better! Stay strong lovelies. I love you all.

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