Rainbows and Unicorns

Fear. Sadness. Numb. Disconnected. Alone. Lost. Empty. These are the feeling I go through on a daily bases. Feeling physically/emotionally disconnected from the world makes me feel lost and alone. My hallucinations, paranoia, and impostor disorder keeps me in constant fear. I always feel like I’m being followed. I occasionally wonder if my loved ones are really themselves. My hallucinations attack me. Sometimes almost bringing me to tears. I relive my memories everyday. My mother hitting me. I remember hiding all the wooden spoons. I remember her bloody hand. I remember running through the wood while she was on the phone with the cops about my grandfather. I remember my stepfather looking down my dress. I remember…..I remember….too much. I just want to forget it all. I’ve barely scratched the surface. And the scenes. In some I’m being raped. I’m others I’m committing murder. In some i’m committing suicide. Each and everyone…so vivid its like I’m there. And sometimes I really am. From the outside I look fine. Just going about my day because I try to hide it. If I didn’t it would completely take over. I just wouldn’t be here anymore because what the people outside doesn’t see is the pain it puts me through. The emotions I feel as if I were actually there. Its not just depression anymore. Its irreversible now. And I’m not sure how long I can hide my insanity from the world.