I feel alone. But the kind of alone that a small fish in a large ocean feels. There’s so much around me. So much to see that I could never view it all in one lifetime. And let me just say that I’m perfectly fine with that. I think life has beat the curiosity out of me. I’ve learned curiosity often kills the cat, and some things are best left unsolved. I like life that way. Unsolvable. I don’t really question why everything is here anymore. I don’t question why we travel around the sun, or why out of all the balls of rock and dust in the galaxy, we’re the ones full of life. I’ve just become complacent. It is what it is. The world is here. I’m here. Just because. I don’t care to know why. I don’t want to know why. I just want to do with that little fact whatever I want.
I feel like this simple way of thinking borders on stupidity. I feel like everything I am borders on stupidity actually. I feel like everything about me is stupid in a way. This can’t be the right way to go through life. I mean, everything in human history hinged on the fact that people were curious. Our art, our culture, our inventions: it was all made because someone asked, “what if?” And yet my counter-question to my own existentialism is “who cares?” Who cares why we’re here? Who cares why the world exists the way it exists? Who cares what greater purpose we serve?
It is what it is.
In truth, I think I’ve just given up. The world is so big and so fully unknowable that I’ve just stopped striving to understand it. The more I try to understand, the more alone I start to feel. Like I’m diving further into a dark abyss where no one else has delved into before. It’s lonely down there. Dark and foreign, a place where I can only grasp a thread of understanding in my palm. The fear engulfed my intrigue, and I swam back up to the surface. Up where everything is warm and clear and sunny. Where I can understand what is happening around me. Yes, my feet move because my legs move them. My stomach growls because it’s empty of food. And my eyes pool with saltwater because I’m sad. But I learned that if I stop to wonder why I move my legs another step, or pause to question why I even bother eating anymore, or waver to think about why I feel so sad and alone, I might never be able to free myself from that abyss again.
2 comments
I’m sure life doesn’t mean anything, it’s just a fat wh*re. Why try to see anything.
Life can be fun and interesting unless the basics of living are not met like food, shelter, safety and so on. I’ve seen both sides of the fence, even the extremes and I wish my life was better so I could enjoy the good things it has to offer. I’m in the middle trying to get myself to a good place.
If my life takes a turn for the worse, like I end up homeless or get incurable illness/injury then I won’t stick around too long after. I’ve seen enough and I know there are some things I can control and many things I can’t.
One thing that bothers me the most is the golden opportunities I used to have when I was younger and I no longer get. However even if I could’ve met and married the girl of my dreams, at the time I wasn’t working (I was a student) so how long could such a relationship last without a lot of money-until she finds a guy who could wine and dine her often.
So I was always chasing the dollar and have been scraping by with enough cash to get me through life but not enough to really get ahead or not care about money. Also I’ve made foolish life-altering decisions that made things worse for me.
In short I realized I’m not likely going to win at life. I’m just glad I don’t have kids to tie me down. But I’ve seen enough and I’d be fine if my life was over tomorrow. There’s very little holding me here.
However the topics you touched out like the origin of life/universe, philosophy, etc are subjects I find to be very intriguing. It’d be interesting to explore the universe or be able to go back in time to see how it all happened, certainly more desirable than dealing with all our problems.