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The End is Closer

by Didi Foxglove

In the words of Jean Luc Picard, “…there are fewer days ahead than there are behind.”  Thank goodness. I’ve probably experienced 400,000 suicides/violent executions over the years.  There was a 20 year period where I would run scenes in my mind anywhere from 20 to 100 times a day.  I stopped for awhile, and restarted somewhere between five and ten years ago. Sometimes the target is my head; sometimes my heart. Once in a while, it’s a whole body total annihilation thing.

I have multiple keys to exit. I can leave any time.

I’m employed and am employable. For all of my complaints, I work on interesting problems that require creative solutions. I’m paid well and paid fairly. Family is somewhere between functional and good, if imperfect; there are no issues of abuse. The bills are small, there’s money in the bank; finances aren’t an issue. From an objective perspective, life is good.

I hate my life. I wish I was dead.

A little while ago I was ready to leave. There was nothing dramatic about it, just a feeling this is it. There’s no reason to continue. Leave.

My mental health is good. Physical health is good. IQ is in the gifted range. According to others, I function well socially. Although an introvert, I can approach almost anyone I want for conversation, including intimidatingly attractive people of the opposite sex.

I don’t lie, cheat, steal. I don’t envy. I’m happy when others succeed. My locus of control is virtually all internal; I control my destiny.

An hour ago the thought in my mind was that it was time. I knew how to go. It was no big revelation, wasn’t some bit of insanity, just, “It’s time to go.” It would have been easy, would have been quick. There’d have been no interruptions.

It isn’t that life sucks. Life is just boring and pointless. We’re born. We grow up. We make babies. We grow old. We die. Rah. We’re no more than moss in the forest.

I’m not leaving by my own hand, not today anyway. At least I know the end is closer.

Didi

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11 comments

born.sinner 10/21/2019 - 6:01 pm

my end is close as well. wish u well friend 🙂

It'll Be Ok 10/21/2019 - 6:32 pm

There was a 20 year period where I would run scenes in my mind anywhere from 20 to 100 times a day. 

Could I ask you about this? I have scenes that run through my mind too.

Didi Foxglove 10/21/2019 - 7:43 pm

Hi It’ll Be Ok! What would you like to know?

It'll Be Ok 10/21/2019 - 7:53 pm

What kind of scenes? Did they make everything worse? Did you have a way to stop them? Did they reflect on something that happened in the past? Every single day scenes play over and over in my mind and most of the time I’m……sorry it’s an uncomfortable subject for me. Let’s just say it’s not a lot of fun lol.

It'll Be Ok 10/21/2019 - 7:53 pm

Also hello 🙂

Didi Foxglove 10/22/2019 - 12:12 am

Hello! 😀

“What kind of scenes?”

These are all scenes of suicide and violent execution. Some of it is analytical, such as, “what happens when 500 people are shooting at you in a stadium arrangement? I visualize it, feel it. How much does the impact push you back? Sometimes it’s about how I would voluntarily end my life. I run the scene through my mind and count out the time. After t0 time I should be unconscious; after t1 time I should be unrecoverably dead. Sometimes I imagine I’m on an atoll in the 1940s/1950s where they’re doing above ground nuclear tests, and I’m far enough away from the device that the conventional explosives do nothing to me, but the nuclear yield vaporizes me. I just want to leave.

It’s not fun. It isn’t comfortable. I wish it would go away. It did for a few years, but it is back. Some of it is me; some of it is my environment.

“Did they make everything worse?” Sadly it’s a comfort in some ways. Worse? I don’t know. Most of this happens either after I’ve gone to bed or after I’ve awoken, but sometimes it happens in the middle of the day. The scenes are just a consequence of where I am in life.

“Did you have a way to stop them?” Life got a little better after awhile, but then it reverted. Now I let them happen, and perhaps I even encourage them as a hope that this miserable life will end soon.

“Did they reflect on something that happened in the past?” Yes. I’m transgender, born male, should have been female. Franz Kafka’s “The Metamorphosis” is as good a description as any as per the character Gregor Samsa. There is no amount of good I can do to negate the bad that I am for being female inside and male outside. I’m trash, I’m garbage, I’m worthless, despite that the female inside me is what has made me the best I could possibly be.

“Every single day scenes play over and over in my mind and most of the time I’m……sorry it’s an uncomfortable subject for me. Let’s just say it’s not a lot of fun lol.” *Hugs* You’re still here.

Especially here I wouldn’t tell you some “Happy Shiny” things, but I will say this. It was nice to have you ask some questions, and I hope these help you get through another minute, hour, day. Thank you. I hope this helps.

It'll Be Ok 10/22/2019 - 4:46 am

Do you maybe want to email and talk about it a bit more?

basefree 10/24/2019 - 7:12 pm

When your post on suicide project reads like a humble-brag.

Once 10/21/2019 - 8:23 pm

“It isn’t that life sucks. Life is just boring and pointless. We’re born. We grow up. We make babies. We grow old. We die. Rah. We’re no more than moss in the forest.”

This is a captivating paragraph. Yes. How many times are we expected to “try something new and different”, “expand our horizons”, “step outside our comfort zone” in attempt after attempt to simply remain engaged and interested, before realizing that it’s all just kind of the same. We’re never content, no matter the situation…the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side of the fence….

I like this thought of yours. It cuts through all the bull s–t and lays bare the essential truth of our time here.

Maybe we evolved because the soil needed our urine. Or, as George Carlin once said “Plastic, assh—s, you were created because the planet needed plastic!”

Sigh. Chuckle. Well now, I need to go find something interesting and innovating to do, so as to fully experience the grandeur of consciousness, fully realizing my potential as a sentient life force, creating waves of positivity that will ripple through the continuum and bathe all around me in goodness and beauty.

Nah. Think I’ll just take a shower and watch tv. 😉

Didi Foxglove 10/22/2019 - 12:18 am

Re: George Carlin, Ha ha ha ha!!!! I could hear him saying that.

Thank you for your kind words. Good luck in finding something good for you. Fwiw, your words, your thoughts helped me.

Cause of Death: Suicide 10/28/2019 - 12:11 am

I’ve thought about nothing other than how to kill myself since 2007. It’s just my way of reminding myself that one day I can actually commit, and that Will be the best day of my life.

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