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to regain the joy I never held

by an_actual_leg

Life is so full. Full of things and actions and questions and answers and life and color and music and beautiful beautiful things and people. But there are also ugly things. It was all fun and games until my imbalanced brain woke up and realized it could think. All downhill from there. There is still the beauty I long to experience. Each unique wave on each shore, the sunrise and sunset, sun showers and rainstorms and deafening thunder and blitzing lightning. Things growing, things dying. New life and old life watching the color infuse each day. New creatures and old, flying and digging and climbing about. First Snowfall of each year. I never saw snow till I was 16 and a half. It’s so wonderful, delightful, gorgeous, delectable! I love to drink in the world in the scattered good moments I manage to find. Love and friends. Birth and growth. I’m not meant for it though. Because I cannot find my place, I cannot find the joy I’m supposed to in life. My brain sees only hate hate dark negative bad sad angry upset. Death, barren, coldness, dark, evil, malicious things. It refuses to acknowledge the good. Because though I know it is there, I simply could never find such energy or joy or happiness or sunshine within my body. I’ve racked my brain, my existence for a drop of hope. Just one. A forgotten vial in the cabinet of my energy, perhaps. But it has all been long washed away with the bitter, the trauma, the dark, the sad sad pathetic being that I have become. The color and wonder have washed from the fabric of my being, leaving me a sad soggy faded and grey sock forgotten in the wash. There is no point. I’ll never be recovered from this. There is simply no point in trying, and try I have. 18 years to crumble and be quickly forgotten in the wastebasket. I will be forgotten and nobody will remember me. The Collapse takes and takes and takes and takes and I haven’t a thing left to give Except my broken, withered soul.

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Teresa's Child 10/10/2019 - 11:58 pm

This is a beautiful post.

I know what you mean. Once you see the face of evil, it gets in you. Once you despair even once, it starts wearing you, until you become that face. I won’t say it’s illogical, or that it’s wrong, or anything like that. In fact I think despair is the correct emotion to feel. Because suffering and pain are the constants, and happiness and novelty are fleeting, foolish, and always colored by human greed.

Maybe the darkness will stay forever. Maybe you’ll always be an outsider looking at happy people, wondering how they can laugh so freely. I know I’m like that. But that doesn’t mean your life is any less valuable. Happy people are usually idiots, and they cause suffering oftentimes without realizing it. The world needs more people like you, to keep humans in line. Only someone like you can do it. No one else can.

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