I’m not sure if I’m ever going to be able to have permanent good lasting relationships with people during this lifetime as a human. I also am doubting whether I will ever have sex with a woman. I have kissed/been kissed by two, so reckon that’s possible/might happen if I try hard enough and reach out to someone in just enough of a good way to cut it at the right time but idk/doubt my ability to have things keep happening/working because of how few relationships I’ve ever had with women. My longest/only that was called a significant other relationship by both parties lasted 2 weeks and everything else has failed to reach that point (at least half a dozen times).
I reckon I will improve some more but I don’t know if I can ever fully live in the moment enough to be on the same level as other individuals around me in a way that they will want me there for them in a permanent way I guess and it’s worrisome and bothersome to me.
I’m beginning to accept that I’m just a guide/catalyst in everyone I meet’s life but I don’t want to just be that/want more permanent things. Which arguably some things will be more and less permanent but I don’t feel like I will ever have any control or say in which things will be or won’t be. I can take actions that I think are good/think will be good for things but as I keep finding I may not ever really know what exactly is good for things to other people/be able to do those things.
Making me worry/question whether or not I’m even helpful to people or good for them. I maybe have been/am sometimes but I fear a lot of the time that people are just being polite to me and saying that I’m good for them when I’m actually hurting them. I don’t know, people are more in their bodies and that awareness then me and tied to this place and this now then me and I get that but also maybe don’t.
It’s easier for me to be in my mind, but I’ve always been there and never fully in the other for more then a time. So idk how much that is the case for others, but know that it is/likely more so then it is for me because of how they focus their being.
Some other people do live in their head and in the future and the past and not in the now, but the majority want to consistently be in the now/live in the now whereas I do not because of what this world is like when one actually has to do things in it.
Being able to be connected fully to the now/be fully in this moment would be a blissful thing to do in solitude and in peace but without those things being the case, I would not and honestly do not want to be in touch with my sensual tactile body because how much of a pain in an ass it is to deal with/process everyone else’s stuff.
Probably the truth is that that’s true for other people too.
The question is the degree I reckon. The more I focus on it the more it seems that way/is that way i know and the same is true for others, but on an actual observable level in terms of my actions I wonder how distant/disconnected I seem compared to others and if I am that way more often then not.
I could ask but I don’t want to mess up my relationships in whatever level/way that they still are/can be and in my experience the people who are around me usually want things/use my asking to their advantage to try and benefit. And to take more without necessarily giving more. Idk. I fear that’s true but don’t know how much it is or if it’s even a conscious action on their part. If it is I don’t know how they cope with it because it fills me with guilt to ask for help from anybody.
I’m not going to commit it I know but I’m going crazy slowly and living without someone who will understand me probably for my life because of what I am isn’t helping. Like I need that and I don’t have it and am not sure what to do about it.
I keep reading relationship articles by people online and while some of it seems true, I honestly am struggling with separating the wheat from the chaft and knowing who and what to listen to. I’m trying to trust my own instincts about what I’m doing wrong but when i can’t trust those i’m not sure what i can trust. My reverse instincts (?) but if they’re my reverse instincts are they really my instincts and should I be trusting them. Idk but am tired of feeling like crap/being treated all nicey nicey or like crap by people that think they’re superior to me socially when i ask them for help. I don’t want to think of myself as being socially inferior and don’t think i should be being seen that way even though i’m being often seen in that light. Idk fuck people though/tired of dealing with their shit. My reason for living at least is more important then them and goes deeper then them because it’s trying to fix all of this for everything, but so many people are pieces of work/out for themselves/don’t really give a fuck about other people even though they pretend to. I think I might be the same and it bothers me, but at least I can say that I’m not good for other people because of how this is, whereas most people can’t.
I guess maybe it’s seeing my not good as being better then other people’s “good” that’s really also not goods and wanting to give enough of a fuck to give my not good to someone who’s struggling. I guess that’s the issue though maybe, like I want to always give knowledge/insight but rarely do i find someone worthy of giving my body and soul too in the long run. Like if they’re too selfish and haven’t tried to live their life for selflessness or aren’t trying to start being selfless for the highest goods then i stop giving a fuck.
I’m not completely selfless i know either but i at least try to help sometimes, so while i’m not an activist who’s working tireless at climate change stuff yet or the universe beyond what we see on earth’s rediscovery/restoration(?) yet i’m driven by the need to transcend this for better/do those two things whereas many people are not and are primarily only concerned with feeling alive all the time while trying to make ends meet here.
Idk but I’m starting to think fuck feelings/fuck the need to feel alive/be happy. I don’t want to have it control me and I’m tired of it doing just that. I should get to control my own happiness/peace constantly always and I don’t want other people to have that power. The problem is that most people want to live in/be in aliveness and happiness and that that’s the reason that they’re alive and wanting relationships whereas I’m alive for the things we haven’t thought of yet and how they make me feel instead of physical stimulation/emotional stimulation. Idk they’re similar but different sources. I’m interested in physical stimulation/emotional stimulation from others but I don’t trust others because of how much they need that and physical material things from me like kids, houses or money for me to get that from them.