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Dead inside

by zerohope

My life is a mess. My father is an end stage renal failure patient, detected in the month of August 2016. Since then i don’t know where my life’s heading. My mother is old and we all are living together in a place away from my hometown due to my job posting. My aunt stays with us too. I am nearing 40 yrs, not married and I have decided not to. My father has to undergo home dialysis four times each day. During my stay at office in the day, my aunt helps him, who is completely bed ridden,  to perform the dialysis. I return home at 9.30 in the evening and during night time i perform the dialysis duty. But for the last few days, my father’s health has just worsened, completely stopped eating, vomits out everything. I have taken him to so many hospitals and healthcare centres but there isn’t any cure to this disease. He is suffering a lot and i am helpless. Many nights have passed neither him nor i have slept peacefully. I know man is mortal and i wont be able to keep him forever but still why i hope i don’t know. At office my life is hell too, so many complaints against me, behavioural problems, not completing my duties in time and i dont feel all these are due to the stress at home i am undergoing everday. I am just not fit to be in job. I want to quit my job but if i do my father will die as my near entire salary is spent for his medical expenses costing around $800 pm. And at this age i wont be able to get a job by which i can sustain those expenses, although my father is a pensioner.

Tried so many times ending my life and misery but courage, i lack. Fear of the pain before dying and my parents stop me to end it. But this needs to end soon. I want peace.


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LoveDogs 11/14/2019 - 9:13 pm

You are a very good daughter. If I had any children I would want them to be like you.
Sounds like you are at wit’s end. Are there any support groups in your area?
I pray that you find strength and courage .

zerohope 11/15/2019 - 1:05 am

I am posted at a rural place presently where it is very hard to find even a good doctor. Also, this illness of his is not curable. He is suffering a slow death. Btw i am his son, not daughter. Dont know how long will i have to suffer in this world. My situation is neither can i die nor can i live. Anyway, thank you for your kind words of encouragement.

LoveDogs 11/15/2019 - 12:35 pm

Well, you are a very good son.
I hope you find peace.

hope432 11/15/2019 - 1:06 pm

Hello, have you ever prayed? There is an eastern type of Christianity on the internet, very powerful songs. Perhaps you could try one?

You should feel hope for your father until the end, no matter the outcome…

zerohope 11/16/2019 - 12:18 pm

Will that cure my father?

hope432 11/16/2019 - 1:43 pm

It will diminish his misery. You need to pray silently(without being heard by others and feel strong compassion again for your father and also forgive him…. if there is still unforgiveness left inside you).

But first you need rest!

everythingsuckss 11/15/2019 - 7:52 pm

I never liked to just come to terms with the fact that thinking negatively the easiest route in our brains. I get it a little, we’re traumatized. But I wish our brains were somehow wired to keep us positive in the hardest of times instead of the opposite. I truly wish you find the courage to make a decision that will lead you to a place so good you never thought it was possible, wherever or whatever that may be.

zerohope 11/16/2019 - 12:21 pm

This misery can end only after i die. Rest is just false hope. But the worst part is i cannot die. I have responsibilities and i am too coward to take away my life.

hope432 11/16/2019 - 1:44 pm


Cause of Death: Suicide 11/18/2019 - 2:00 am

Are you able to get your father on Medicare

zerohope 11/18/2019 - 10:44 am

He is on peritoneal dialysis(pd) since last November but now he is finding difficulties in even pd. In August 2019 he was shifted to a nursing home for a week after which his health had improved slightly. But since the last 14-15 days his health has deteriorated even further and now i am not in a position to shift him again to a hospital. And this has been the case since last so many months now, in and out of hospitals. My aunt and mom nurse him during daytime and during night or on holidays i take care of him. I sometimes wonder humans have reached the moon so long ago but they can’t find cure of diseases which make them suffer. May be 5-10 years down the lane they can find the cure to this disease but till then it will be too late for him.

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