There is an inconsistency between what’s in my head and what’s actually there. I believe the root of my sadness comes from the realization that there is this disconnect between the two and that I don’t know how to cope with it. I believe my primary motivation drives me to these nonsense delusions. The fear of not amounting to anything and the fear of being alone. I’m so wrapped up in the little idiosyncrasies within my head that I don’t really see what’s there and when it finally becomes apparent to me, I can’t help but feel let down. The thing is, can’t really be anyone’s fault but mine. These little delusions of mine are the only thing that keeps me going. Yet they aren’t real. And when I realize that, it pulls me down. I think that I should just go to sleep and not wake up. At least I think so.
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Funny that you say that, because I have been thinking a lot, however, about how I have nothing that is keeping me going except that I failed my attempts before. Why do I not attempt again and hopefully be successful? Why do I not commit today? I think about this every day and actually it kind of makes me sad, because I don’t have anything keeping me going except perhaps making money (but in that case too much is never enough, and furthermore it’s all spent on things that can’t buy you love, can’t buy you a purpose, can’t buy you happiness.) I also think a lot about how I feel I am being pushed to the edge, but I don’t know why, and furthermore, I eventually feel I will be pushed all the way off the edge and still .. I don’t know why ..
But otherwise, to me being alone and not amounting to anything are the two best things to me !! No joke.