My heart was broken again today. I can’t believe I’m back to this shit again. Why do people play sick love games and lie to each other. We all complain about being so lonely all the time and try to find these connections and acceptance, but we don’t. Why the fuck is that? Our world has never been full of so many people; Technology has made it so simple to communicate across the fucking globe if we so wished. Yet still, we can’t find not one person that accepts us? Why not!?
We are too busy judging one another and setting these ridiculously high standards; hating and assuming the worst in everyone; feeling ashamed and disgusted in our own selves. Shit I’m definitely not in a good mental state at the moment.
I admit, I get lost in my own head a lot. I’m Pisces. Can’t be helped.
I think I’ve been setting my standards just a little too high. Or maybe I’m just not as amazing as I think I am. I don’t know. I’m just as lost as everyone else just trying to figure shit out. I don’t know how to “go with the flow”.
What kills me though is that I’ve always had one constant in my life. This person has been in love with me since before I even knew what love was. Unfortunately we just never worked it out. Blame the universe. Bad timing; ah the excuses that I tell myself.
This time though, I felt as if the stars aligned or Mercury being in retrograde made it possible for me to want something that I never wanted before.
Like a fool I started to fall open to the possibilities.
I’m so stupid. I should have seen the signs. I was too busy fantasizing a whole universe of thoughts and feelings and I didn’t want to see what was really happening. At times I thought I could read him so clearly. Nope. It was just my own fantasies reflecting. I guess after someone waits for so long, maybe they start to recent the person that’s keeping their heart hostage. That sounds like something that my insane mind would do.
It just hurts. I let myself want. I went down that path and I felt alive. Just a touch and I would soar. I came crashing down hard and now my limbs and bones are all broken. Im bleeding out. I didn’t know that I had any left. I feel sick; used. It’s no one’s fault but my own.
I created these feelings in my head. I should have learned by now. I don’t know why I keep doing this. I’m not okay.