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Hi I am still here

by PatheticMale

Hello guys. Im still here. Nothing has changed except Im 20 years old now. I feel like the exact same person that I was when I first posted here about 2 years ago. Im still depressed the same. Every day sucks. I do nothing valuable. Im just getting high and wasting time. I study physics at the best university in this country. I hated highschool and this is what I always wanted.. The school is so interesting but even then I cant force myself to learn at home…

Often I just lay or sit down and the memories of all the times that I did or said something wrong just rush through my head.
I dont wanna die but I dont wanna live like this for another 2 years… I feel so lonely it eats me from the inside and fucks me in the head.

4 comments
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4 comments

WrongPuzzlePiece 11/18/2019 - 8:04 pm

Assuming you are not studying far away from home, I would suggest you to rely on your group of friends or people you hang out with. Lure them into any activity that might spark any interest at all to you and see if some interesting person gets around your group.

If you moved away for your studies and you have little-to-no contacts… If it is of any help, that was my case and for me the first 2 years sucked way more than the next ones (both on studies and personal level, note it was all mixed). The little people I know were flatmates and people I met over the Internet. On the 3rd I finally found some people in the university to at least hang out with. Even with existential crisis all throughout the studies, that helped considerably.

And years later I stumbled upon one of the best persons I met. Not that it is important, but he studied Physics. Maybe you can find some interesting people in unexpected activities. Maybe you can try (or keep trying) to commit to some events that interest you a bit, even if you do not fully wish to attend. That should get you out for a while based on social pressure and keep your thoughts a bit at bay, and hopefully find some proper circle not to feel like that. Not that it is any guarantee, but providing some mild success experience.

… Says the pot to the kettle. Anyway, feel free to ignore.
Just hoping it gives some perspective — that of the age, at least.

PatheticMale 11/18/2019 - 8:25 pm

I have some friends. We mostly just get drunk or high together or we play pc games. I am really glad to have them them. But still I feel like they cant help me. They dont know how I really feel. I just feel like when it comes down to it everyone is isolated and alone in their own head anyway. Or maybe its just me.

WrongPuzzlePiece 11/18/2019 - 8:44 pm

Well, I do think that probably everyone will feel the isolation at some point. But some seem to focus on it way more than others, which find themselves in a loop with these kind of thoughts.

Those I know that recovered from these cyclic depressing thoughts have now a go-getter attitude of targeting goals and going quickly after them. They push aside these thoughts almost as soon as they come.
Maybe that is just a well-accepted way of running forward, and life and any objective is just a distraction. But of course, it all depends on how much one expects to enjoy chasing them and/or if one sees sense on going for it.

hope432 11/20/2019 - 11:44 am

Hello. You need a place to connect with others the same I have always needed. You are only 20. ?))

When I was 20 I wanted to rule the world. I had lots of ideas to make money and I still ended up here.
Yet, I am alive and full of joy.

Peace brother :X

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