So…I should kill myself, because I’m a worthless piece of shit. But I’m not going to, because I’m a coward. Which leaves me having to face my own worthless shittiness.
The obvious solution would be to stop being such a worthless piece of shit. But that’s easier said than done. My instinct is to be that way. When I try to do otherwise, it feels worse. It’s like the wrongness in me is constantly fighting to be expressed. Constantly suppressing it is an effort I’m just not motivated to maintain.
So, realistically, I’m not going to change. I’m not going to kill myself. I’m just going to go on, as this pathetic thing that I am, until something really bad happens. And then I’ll finally see how foolish I was to waste all this time, but it’ll be too late. Still, however bad it gets, eventually it will be over. Everyone dies, one way or another.