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Hiding

by thehusk

So…I should kill myself, because I’m a worthless piece of shit. But I’m not going to, because I’m a coward. Which leaves me having to face my own worthless shittiness.

The obvious solution would be to stop being such a worthless piece of shit. But that’s easier said than done. My instinct is to be that way. When I try to do otherwise, it feels worse. It’s like the wrongness in me is constantly fighting to be expressed. Constantly suppressing it is an effort I’m just not motivated to maintain.

So, realistically, I’m not going to change. I’m not going to kill myself. I’m just going to go on, as this pathetic thing that I am, until something really bad happens. And then I’ll finally see how foolish I was to waste all this time, but it’ll be too late. Still, however bad it gets, eventually it will be over. Everyone dies, one way or another.

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rdytoleave 11/14/2019 - 5:29 pm

How do you manage to cover your living expenses?…I am unable to consistently hold down a job, and will one day sooner than later have to go out on the streets…it would seem that our best hope is to have some external event terminate our wretched existence, seeing as how we’re unable to do it ourselves.

thehusk 11/14/2019 - 7:54 pm

I’m living parasitically off my family, and money left me by dead relatives. They’re not exactly rich, but I guess they have enough spare that it doesn’t cause them money issues. I’ve been doing it so long I kind of got numb to the shame of it.
Homelessness is a real fear for me – if they finally give up on me, or if/when something happens to one of them. I’m sure at that point I’ll curse myself for all the years I wasted hiding from the harsh realities of life. But for some reason knowing that just doesn’t motivate me to face up to the world – it just makes me want to hide even more.

Obviously something will terminate all of our existences at some point, and I daresay then I’ll be filled with regret at a life wasted. I just hope things don’t get too painful before then.

Why Am I Here 11/17/2019 - 4:14 am

Iv never been able to relate to something more than that

rdytoleave 11/15/2019 - 2:20 am

Psychological studies seem to indicate that the fear of something getting worse is not a reliably good motivator. On the other hand, the “proper” motivation that comes from hope and aspiring for a desired improvement hasn’t really worked for me, because I lack consistency and the emotional resilience to rebound from inevitable hardship/failures. Not having any real history of success doesn’t help either. Also, I know deep inside that my efforts will really only get me so far, so it’s like “the juice isn’t worth the squeeze”. And thus I am stuck in this existential rut.

It’s like those experiments on rats where they just give up from “learned helplessness”…a lifetime of weakness and failure has rendered me without hope and incapable of change.

thehusk 11/15/2019 - 3:53 am

That makes a lot of sense. Trying to live off of fear long term is toxic, but fear is all I really have much of the time. The hope that things can change has gradually drained out of me over the years. I don’t have the emotional belief that effort on my part can get me to where I want to be, though rationally I know I have the capacity to make things less bad for myself. Like you say, it’s a deep sense that your efforts will only get you so far, rather than to somewhere you’ll actually feel ‘ok’. So why bother – because if you don’t things will get worse. But telling yourself that doesn’t help.

Emotional resilience is a big factor for me too. When I do exert effort, it only takes the slightest unexpected complication or setback to send me into shutdown and convince me that the whole thing is futile.

I suppose learned helplessness does play a big role. If you spend long enough not knowing what to do to make things ‘ok’, a part of you just gives up and accepts the condition you’re in. It seems like all the normal solutions are recommended (CBT etc.) But it’s hard to see how anyone could stick with something like that long enough for it to have a chance of working, if they don’t already have the belief that it will help.

rdytoleave 11/16/2019 - 5:00 pm

If I had three wishes (assuming they’d have to be in the context of me remaining a suicidal chronic depressive), they would be:

1) Get my family to truly understand that I have no place in this world, and that I need to check out to spare myself (and everyone, really) further pain and disappointment

2) Have the courage to forcibly end my existence

3) Let my suicide be clean and painless

I don’t know if 2) will ever happen, and have no idea how to accomplish 1) as it would seem that there is no way to discuss the subject without them getting horribly depressed…as for 3), well I guess there is no way to guarantee that unfortunately.

The thought that this will just go on and on truly is the most miserable thing.

thehusk 11/16/2019 - 6:51 pm

For myself I think I’m going to try working on 2) & 3), so that I’m as ready as I can be should things take a turn for the worst. As for 1), I’m not sure that’s possible, if they really care.

No matter how bad things get though, everything ends.

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