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I don’t know what’s wrong with me

by icaaa123

Ever since my dad killed himself 3 years ago, I’ve found it really hard to relax with other people. I’m fine in a group, but when I’m one on one with another person I feel so much pressure. It’s like half my mind is with the other person and engaged, and the other half is in my own head, constantly thinking about what to say next. This feeling is present with pretty much everyone apart from my mum and a few others. I hate awkwardness and I just feel in constant fear of it. I am always overthinking whether the other person is enjoying my company or not. It’s not like I struggle talking to other people or anything, I’m really confident and always take a lead on conversations. This is why I don’t think I have social anxiety- I am always putting myself out there and am really sociable. My insecurities just make it really hard to find a genuine connection with anyone. I just find it really hard to be fully myself as I don’t have a lot of faith in that getting me very far. I know something has to change, but it just feels like too much of a fundamental flaw and I don’t know if it is possible to alter. I’m starting to think that there is something very wrong with me, as no one else seems to struggle making friends in the same way I do. It leaves me feeling really alone. Even my longest friends I struggle to feel at ease with.  Even my boyfriend, who I know accepts me whatever I at times feel uncomfortable with. It’s exhausting feeling like this every time I come into contact with another person. I just feel messed up and I don’t know how to change.

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rivets 11/8/2019 - 9:09 pm

I have somewhat the same problem. I don’t leave my head even partway, though. So sure, I can relate to whatever that person is saying, but my automated defenses are activated and I can just leave it to the turrets and traps to keep the intruders out. But I do look like a pretty castle that people want to build a city around, for some reason. It’s annoying. I’d like to blow up the city with dynamite. I wanted to put a garden there.

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