In the dirt

Hi everyone.

First of all, congrats to all who keep and write in this website. It’s so helpful for so many people. Just a great idea.

Second time I write here. I just can’t take this anymore. My wallet doesn’t take anymore. My schedule doesn’t take anymore. My strength just run out. And people around and at work just keep pushing and humiliating me. All this effort brought me insomnia and insufferable headache, what the fuck can I do?

I may take a leave and get fired. Then I would immediately go to the streets.

I may continue like this. But my health is just at its limit.

I am in pure blind rage. Only thing I can think of is who the hell think this people are? who keep talking human rights, worker rights, helping this community, that community… poor these, poor those… But in reality they are the only ones doing all the harm.

I don’t know what else to say. Ah yes, another phrase I repeat to myself every day: HOW THE HELL DID I END UP HERE? It’s so unreal to remember all the things and plans you had once, and little by little, but in the same time just in a blink of an eye, be in such a poor, decadent, lonely situation. I had friends. Family. A very good job. I helped people in my free time. But hey, end of the line dude. Game over. You lost. They won. But HOW did I get into this? I don’t understand.

It all seems like a bad dream.

Well, I do understand though. I am quite asperger. Had a tough childhood, I became serious. People do hate that. They would rather hang out, work, help a stupid evil clown than a good but boring person.

Best thing to do is probably just to let everything fall. Go rock bottom. Even deeper than now. Then I will hold on there, in the dirt, in the shit. Fasten your seat belts, this ride is going down very fast.

I feel fear. Maybe, the only meaning of all this shit is to overcome this fear. To have no fear. Maybe I will just die in poverty. Maybe some better days will come. But maybe some day I will live without fear. That would be something.