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In the dirt

by Tryin 2 liv

Hi everyone.

First of all, congrats to all who keep and write in this website. It’s so helpful for so many people. Just a great idea.

Second time I write here. I just can’t take this anymore. My wallet doesn’t take anymore. My schedule doesn’t take anymore. My strength just run out. And people around and at work just keep pushing and humiliating me. All this effort brought me insomnia and insufferable headache, what the fuck can I do?

I may take a leave and get fired. Then I would immediately go to the streets.

I may continue like this. But my health is just at its limit.

I am in pure blind rage. Only thing I can think of is who the hell think this people are? who keep talking human rights, worker rights, helping this community, that community… poor these, poor those… But in reality they are the only ones doing all the harm.

I don’t know what else to say. Ah yes, another phrase I repeat to myself every day: HOW THE HELL DID I END UP HERE? It’s so unreal to remember all the things and plans you had once, and little by little, but in the same time just in a blink of an eye, be in such a poor, decadent, lonely situation. I had friends. Family. A very good job. I helped people in my free time. But hey, end of the line dude. Game over. You lost. They won. But HOW did I get into this? I don’t understand.

It all seems like a bad dream.

Well, I do understand though. I am quite asperger. Had a tough childhood, I became serious. People do hate that. They would rather hang out, work, help a stupid evil clown than a good but boring person.

Best thing to do is probably just to let everything fall. Go rock bottom. Even deeper than now. Then I will hold on there, in the dirt, in the shit. Fasten your seat belts, this ride is going down very fast.

I feel fear. Maybe, the only meaning of all this shit is to overcome this fear. To have no fear. Maybe I will just die in poverty. Maybe some better days will come. But maybe some day I will live without fear. That would be something.

4 comments
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4 comments

Tryin 2 liv 11/26/2019 - 7:18 pm

I’m not going to work tomorrow. I am not going to meet anyone that treats me unfairly. I am not going to pay my credit.

I am going to rest, eat healthy, meet new people until I become better or the tenant kicks me out.

Who cares. Having nothing is better than having a constant nightmare.

Finally, I will breathe.

LifeIsAnIllusion 11/26/2019 - 7:27 pm

I hear you… I feel the same way… Just breathe until I die I guess.

a1957 11/26/2019 - 9:38 pm

Corporate America was always telling me how it protected me every which way. I t certainly paid well. Actually it was taking me to an early grave and very dangerous to the body and full of mental pain. I finally said no more and was ready to the price, and if that price was death (suicide to avoid poverty) so be it.

That was 8 years ago. No more Corporate America since then. I am way better off health wise and won back the life style I had and more. I am even making good progress on the reasons I came to this site in the first place. I can address the horrors of my childhood much better without the misery Corporate America was putting on me every working day.

Cause of Death: Suicide 11/27/2019 - 5:09 pm

Yes, I frequently feel my life has been reduced to entertaining others. But the others happen to be terrible horrible people.

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