I feel so empty. My anger and depression is making it hard to distinguish reality from fantasy. I hate myself so much that it feels like a nightmare I’m living in. Like I’ve imagined this entire world in my head. It gets worse every day and I lose touch of reality as I keep living. No one understands it. I find no happiness or pleasure from anything or anyone. It’s just anger that lives inside me. People grow and move past it but I can’t. And in some ways I won’t allow myself to. I love the anger. I love the depression. I want to kill myself. That will be my ultimate happy day. Nothing in this world makes me want to live. Life is so overrated and disappointing. Sex, drugs, love, etc are all not good enough to make me want to stay. It’s all bullshit to me. It’s all overrated crap that can’t take the place of death. Dying is the best thing that will ever happen to me. I just want it to happen sooner.
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Somehow – I used to find a meaningful existence in using drugs. I’d still want to commit suicide and be depressed but nothing too terrible ever occurred back then. Basically, I just lived off smoking weed every day and that kept me satisfied and feeling good and acting like myself. I’m an introvert so I do not need much. Then one day, was raided, and that was terrifying. I don’t know who but I was sold out to the cops. People I had never given any trouble . . . And that cost me about 10,000$ while for some reason, most everyone else continued to use (social) and were not punished. But maybe they quit, I do not know at this point, nor does it quite matter what has become of them. Perhaps it was a gang that had reported me. But it truly is the weirdest thing to not know who reported me, to not know when they had decided to gang up against me, to not know if that same group of people are still creeping up slowly behind me, and the biggest thing of all to not even understand … why!!
Moreso, that was like ripping off a bandage that was covering a festering wound and the only thing keeping it from becoming infected. Since, I have become like an empty void, silent and suicidal, while everyone else carries on like nothing is wrong.. I feel like I will never feel like myself again, and if this is how I will always feel then there is no further reason to continue, might as well bite the bullet – lie to yourself – say you want to die and it is the very best thing – and give up. Now this is starting to sound like therapy and I f*cking detest therapy.
Around the time of the raid, or a month or two before, I started having vivid nightmares. And I’ve counted about 200 of these. So it is basically like living in a very bad dream. It’s like a large group of people are directing all this hate towards me, and not only do I not know why, but instead of them quietly hating me they like to shove it in my face and torture me physically. It’s like this life is not mine anymore and like I will never get a chance to be truly alive again.
it does get worse ?
In a sense, all of this world is inside your head. Rather, how you feel about it, and what you think about it, is all just a construct of your rational mind trying to make sense of your place within it. That in itself tells you that it’s at least in part a fiction that can be reinvented, or at least changed. There is no growing and moving past it, but there is changing and having it become something different. Don’t mind my ramblings, I’m tired and probably too drunk for my own good.
That’s where I’m at now. No one will understand it. Everything is so bland. You begin to love the anger and the depression in a way. It gives you a shit ton of courage you never knew you had