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It’s My Fault. I Knew Better.

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He paid attention to me. no one ever paid attention to me. my parents abused me. my friends ignored me unless it was convenient for them. my boyfriends acted like i wasnt there unless they were kissing me. but he paid attention to me. he made me laugh. every time i felt bad butterflies. and every time i did nothing. i just stood there. i didnt say anything. i wanted to push his hands away and run. i wanted to run out of the school and down the road until i couldnt run anymore. it made me feel sick. and yet every time i acted like it was fine. its my fault. its all my fault. i knew better. i should have ran the first time and i didnt. instead i stayed and let it happen again and again. its all my fault.

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18 comments

a1957 11/4/2019 - 8:08 pm

I’m sorry it happened. You must feel very violated.

It'll Be Ok 11/4/2019 - 11:30 pm

Yeah that’s a way to put it lol. I know I don’t feel to good about it. It was 4-6 years ago I don’t remember the exact time and I don’t want to put thought into it. I’m sure you understand

a1957 11/4/2019 - 11:46 pm

Oh I understand not wanting to put much thought into it. The victim feeling at fault part has been explained to me several times. The explanations make sense.

It'll Be Ok 11/4/2019 - 11:50 pm

Well I think I explained my point of view adequately. I knew better. But not only did I know better but I kept going back. And then I thought it was a grand idea to be completely alone in his house. Not my smartest idea lol anyway that’s why I feel like it’s my fault

a1957 11/7/2019 - 9:24 pm

Well, you are technically right that you put yourself in a vulnerable situation. Sure. However, it just might be , like others of us, me included, that you might find out down the road why you were drawn to that person and a relationship with that person who later went on to violate you. You see, your behavior (showing up), can not excuse his actions.

The good news out of this painful experience is that you just might find out, like me, what drew you to that individual to begin with as well as, kick in strong boundaries for yourself if you have not already, that is.

It'll Be Ok 11/7/2019 - 11:42 pm

I’ll give you the first part. It made me feel a little better about it. But boundaries? I occasionally have this idea to get a hold of him. Why not? It’s not like life can hurt me much more than it already has.

a1957 11/9/2019 - 2:36 pm

What I and others have found with violators is that violators kept upping their game the longer we stayed in relationship with them. At the same time as they were upping the pain they were also making themselves seem all the more important to us because they were making us feel all the more insignificant and unworthy of any thing good from them (or anyone else) except for those emotional crumbs they had to offer.

It'll Be Ok 11/9/2019 - 2:53 pm

for me its not so much the pain but more im just self destructive. peoplewill be like “dont do that youll get hurt” and ill shrug my shoulders and do it anyway

a1957 11/9/2019 - 3:41 pm

I take it they are saying don’t take certain risks because it could cost you dearly. I hear high risk/low reward behaviors are right in line with PTSD. Well in fact I have done quite a bit of high risk/low reward stuff and lucky (I guess?) to still be alive. If it is ok to ask, do you mean taking risk with economics, emotions, health, or money, or should I not ask?

It'll Be Ok 11/9/2019 - 3:46 pm

ask away i dont much care. i dont really have anything to hide.
emotional/health. like if im sick or something i will take care of it. but if you want to hand me a drug (as long as i know what it is) ill probably take it. example. im currently putting up with sexual harassment from an ex just so i can get some drugs.

alphabet 11/5/2019 - 5:27 am

It may not matter whose fault it was. What matters most is how you can move on. Even though to don’t want to think about it, it may be that the best way to move on is to talk about it with someone who knows how to have conversations about these matters. The conversations will be painful. They will probably cover why you responded the way you did (you have already mentioned several earlier problems, but understanding how they relate to these incidents will probably be a slow process). Understanding can put you back in control.

It'll Be Ok 11/5/2019 - 10:49 am

ive talked about it in the past. it hasnt helped. 🙁

a1957 11/9/2019 - 2:38 pm

I wish you had my therapist.

It'll Be Ok 11/9/2019 - 2:54 pm

well you seem like a cool person so thats a start right? 🙂

a1957 11/9/2019 - 3:45 pm

Thank you for the compliment. I figure my therapist is the best, certainly the best I have ever known, and could help almost any one get to the bottom of their issues.

It'll Be Ok 11/9/2019 - 3:50 pm

i know my issues i just need to fix them. for the longest time i thought i had made myself like others just to have friends but lately ive been thinking maybe i have a personality disorder so i just get along with people. maybe the first one went so far that it became a bigger problem. idk. honestly if i could get that fixed i think id be set in going forward in life.

a1957 11/12/2019 - 10:53 pm

This reply is encouraging: “honestly if i could get that fixed i think id be set in going forward in life.” When you are fortunate enough to land an effective therapist, or a group therapy, this really could happen. For myself, while looking for an effective therapist, which took a while to land, I studied and found some things I could do for my mind and life on my own until effective professional help could be had.

It'll Be Ok 11/13/2019 - 4:21 am

Well to put it simply it’s like a little devil and angel are yelling at me and the devil typically wins. If I could smush him I’d be fine. I just need to stop doing things like drugs and drinking but idc and that’s where the problem lies. I don’t see why I should care.

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