GeneralWhat’s your story? by eternaldarkness 11/17/2019 written by eternaldarkness 11/17/2019Why are you depressed?Me: Childhood abuse and trauma Adult Life not working out – no friends, no job, health issues, loneliness. 11 comments 0EmailRelated postsGhosts 4/8/2020Washing it Away 4/7/2020It’s been a while :3 4/7/2020Toxic Quarantine 4/7/2020Sober: day 2 4/7/2020Decisions decisions…….. 4/7/2020Secrets 4/6/2020academics ruin me 4/6/2020I’m back… Yet again 4/6/2020ordinary 4/6/202011 comments Once 11/17/2019 - 10:13 pmIt’s taken a lot of years to diagnose my depression, but it’s the result of constant disapproval by parents who convinced me I deserve nothing. So, I’ve spent my life not being able to ask for anything I need, and believing everyone else matters more than me. Ain’t no fixing it, I’ll go to my grave as a walking inferiority complex. But hey, I deserve it. Lol. Log in to Reply eternaldarkness 11/23/2019 - 10:52 pm“I’ve spent my life not being able to ask for anything I need” – same here Log in to Reply NO_REMORSE 11/17/2019 - 11:36 pmI cant stand being alive, and drugs can only help that so much. Log in to Reply eternaldarkness 11/23/2019 - 10:53 pmI hear ya Log in to Reply Withered eye 11/17/2019 - 11:42 pmI guess the start of all of it might have been from when I was 1 and half years old and have suffered a brain concussion. It might have been because of that, that I lacked interest in things that the people around me liked. And so I distanced myself from the others and didn’t have any friends. The problem then became that the people around me would start picking on me simply because I was always alone, trying to find faults in whatever I do and ridicule me for it. I was at the time also weak-willed, so I often started crying or got angry at those picking on me. Time went on and I was diagnosed with autism. I had to keep going to visit a psychologist periodically, and it was quite far from home-half of an hour of driving for each direction. It was very boring and didn’t help at all. It only served as another burden in life since I always had to stop whatever I was doing and go there every single time. My parents didn’t do things like buying me toys, allow me to watch TV or play computer more than a small amount of time, so I mostly spent time reading books borrowed from the library or drawing-which I never got good at. And so as time went on I never gained real interest in anything. So to say-I didn’t have a force moving me forward, a life goal. I should mention this: The school system in my country is: Start school at 6 years old, then 9 years basics school (that’s the direct translation), then 4 or 3 years high school and so on. Anyway in the fifth grade of basics school I went to the hospital in the capital where I was under supervision of a psychiatrist and studied there. After I returned from there my mental strength got improved, so I didn’t get angry or start crying as fast as before. I was able to study more diligently and my grades also improved greatly and I mostly had near-perfect scores in all subjects. However as time went on the effect gradually wore out and together with my motivation so did my scores drop. I also still had to attend the school psychologist all the time till the 9th grade. I had to go there during classes so I then had to work harder to make up for the time lost. Since I never had a strong interest in anything I picked a school that seemed like it had good potential wage-wise, but it was a honest disappointment. I have capnophobia so I can’t stand smoke. And my high-school had two entrances, both being hot-spots for smokers. And as if that wasn’t enough I also got picked on because I was always alone and didn’t try to make friends with anyone and also stood out because of my appearance-I’m 193cm tall and weigh only 68kg, because to me eating food is tiring. My schoolmates annoyed me by doing things such as throwing paper planes at me, laughing at me, also been very loud so I was having a hard time focusing on class. I was trying to get good grades to secure myself a good future, however that wasn’t easy. Stress just kept on accumulating until I could no longer take it and I started cutting myself. Also I left this out but there were also lots of other things that went wrong which only kept on piling up the stress. In the third year of the high-school it was when I finally couldn’t take it anymore (I was going to a 4-year high-school). It was when I went on an obligatory school trip in Germany. It was horrible. I’ll just comment that on it, nothing more. After that I stopped going to school. I would then still keep on studying at home and would just come to school for the exams. Time went on but I could no longer do it. I never finished the third year and dropped out of school. I tried to go to another school which was much farther from home, but gave up even before I even started. And now here I am, just being empty, being on computer from when I wake up till I go to sleep, mostly spending my time reading fantasy stories hoping to die in sleep. Log in to Reply rivets 11/18/2019 - 6:50 amI have this problem where I go insane if I spend too little time talking to people, and being insane for me is not enjoyable. The alternative is to talk more to people, which I dislike doing almost as much as I dislike being insane. It’s a real dilemma. So I strike for a balance between the two miseries, which blanches out the awfulness of life into an ubiquitous gray ooze. Log in to Reply eternaldarkness 11/23/2019 - 10:53 pmor….you could just talk to your cats? Log in to Reply rivets 11/23/2019 - 10:58 pmI tried that, but all they ever do is meow at me. Maybe if I took some DMT and talked to them…. hm… Log in to Reply Never Was 11/18/2019 - 8:48 amLife Log in to Reply WrongPuzzlePiece 11/18/2019 - 8:34 pmEmotionally detached parents who did directly not give a f* or that paid their own frustrations with their children. The above can lead to a very low self-esteem and (according to a psychologist that felt like a total loss of time), childhood depression. Some of that manifested in a tendency to look for approval of others (figures of authority, mostly) or in groups of peers, trying to act as coordinator or leader but not always working. Other crippling features: paralyzed by fear to failure or bad decisions or to being stalled or repeating events in life, low tolerance to failure, frustration, impostor syndrome, hyper-sensitiveness, little persistence.Yet: I cannot complain about life. Have a job I like (at least compared to most of the alternatives) and which is recognized in my environment. I do not have physical health issues. But often I see no point in living and do not progress on it as “expected” by society. Log in to Reply tortured-mind 11/21/2019 - 8:50 amsame as you Log in to Reply Leave a Comment Cancel ReplyYou must be logged in to post a comment.Subscribe to comments: Don't subscribeAllReplies to my comments Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. You can also subscribe without commenting.