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Why wont he say it?

by Abandoned

Why wont he say im a problem. I know i am. Im not stupid. I tried to jump off a bridge to think im not a problem would be stupid. Please just say it and ill be gone.

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9 comments

a1957 11/29/2019 - 1:48 pm

You make a good point here. Why in the hell my own wife would not declare me a loss is hard to imagine. But yeah, same here. And if that isn’t bad enough, my step daughter (I mean aren’t we supposed to be natural enemies?) took strong action to thwart my departure when it seemed so assured.

The sucking truth that keeps such spouses rooting for us is that they sometimes see that we are in a world of hurt but they always see what we could be if we were not in a world of hurt and they see a goodness in us we can’t even see. Damn it. Seriously damit.

It'll Be Ok 11/29/2019 - 2:53 pm

Borderline personality disorder. I can only imagine what I’m like to live with. But you are right. He does see the good in me. And it’s not like I want to die because I don’t. But sometimes the pain is just too much. I understand their point of view (the loved ones) but the problem is they can never understand our pain. And if they could they wouldn’t blame us

a1957 11/29/2019 - 4:45 pm

I looked up bpd. The definition looked likely of me for most of my years. Whether I had it or not, the concept is awful and to the extent I recognized the symptoms, my experience with it was awful. You are right, sometimes the pain is too much. For years, decades really, my go to reactions to the pain were such as: pricey distractions, risk taking, and of course, when I ran out of distraction money or risk opportunities I was willing to take, there were the suicide attempts and suicidal ideation and suicide research.

Only after I had been married some seven years did I find exactly one family member, a relation to my wife, that understood the pain, and boy did she ever.

If our loved ones understood, instead of blaming us they would see that we are a living sacrifice just by being alive.

It'll Be Ok 11/29/2019 - 5:20 pm

my answer is typically anger. oh that made me sad. i have to throw something. im weird like that

a1957 11/29/2019 - 8:16 pm

I wish I could say I don’t know what you are talking about. Blowing my top, knocking holes in walls, and finding passive ways to avenge others was once a regular way of life for me. My favorites were the passive stuff. Destructive parental units make for a ton of anger.

visual eyes 11/29/2019 - 9:14 pm

You don’t really want to be gone.

Hushhhh

Grasp onto things you enjoy or feel cozy doing.

infinitetears 11/30/2019 - 2:23 am

Oh yes. I heard “it’s not your fault.” I’m alone now. Not even allowed to blame myself…. This formless thing that resides within me but is not me…put my head on the guillotine and be gone with it for sure!

JudgeMeNot 11/30/2019 - 11:54 am

You don’t need someone’s permission to kill yourself just do it. If he hasn’t said it then hes not worried about you.
Family and friends “loved ones”are all after self need.

I Know because I’ve been through that stage of wanting someone to say it so I’d feel better. The sad thing is once you get what you’ve always wanted. You find yourself not knowing what to do with it, how to feel about it, how to react..
Pure limbo.
suffering.

It'll Be Ok 12/2/2019 - 5:40 am

Negativity not needed. I have enough of my own thank you. Bye now.

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