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by a falling star

“I was broken from the inside.

The depression slowly chipped me away, finally devouring me.

I could not beat the negativity.

I hated myself. Even though I tried so hard demanding my memories that kept getting cut off to ‘wake up,’ all I got in return was silence.

I‘d rather stop if I cannot breathe.

I asked who could be responsible for me.

You’re the only one.

I felt utterly alone.

It is easy to say “I‘m going to end it.”

It is very difficult to actually go through with it.

I’ve been struggling through the difficulty.

I told myself that it‘s just me wanting to run away from everything.

It’s true. I really did want to run away.

From me.

From you.

I asked, “Who‘s there?” It’s me. It‘s me again. And it’s me the third time.

I asked, “Why do I keep on losing my memory?” They said it‘s due to my personality. I see. It’s all my fault.

I wanted someone to notice (my suffering), but no one knew. Of course, they wouldn’t. They never met me before.

I asked why people live. Just. Just. They live “just because.”

If I ask why people died, they would probably say they couldn’t bear it any longer.

Troubling thoughts flooded my head. I never got the chance to learn how to change dull pain into pure joy.

Pain is just pain.

I kept reprimanding myself not to do so.

Why? Why can‘t I even end my life with my own will?

I tried figuring out the reasons for my pain and suffering.

I already had the answer. I was in pain because of me. It’s all my fault that I carry so many imperfections.

Teacher, is this what you wanted to hear?

No. I didn’t do anything wrong.

I used to think that it’s so easy for doctors to blame your personality for the suffering in their calm voice.

It surprises me how I am feeling this much pain. Those people, who have suffered worse than I, seem to go on living perfectly fine. Those weaker than I am live on as well. I guess not. Among the living, there is no one who is suffering worse and no one who is weaker.

The only answer I got back was “just live nevertheless.”

Asking the purpose of life more than one hundred times is not for me. It‘s for you.

I wanted to do it for me.

Please don’t say things you don’t know.

How could you ask me to still look for reasons behind my pain? I told you multiple times why I‘m suffering. Do I need more reasons to be in pain? More dramatic details in my stories? More stories even?

I told you already. Were you absent-minded when I told you? Things you can bear and even come above do not leave scars.

It wasn’t my responsibility to go against the world.

It wasn’t my path to become world-famous.

That’s why they say it‘s hard to go against the world and to become famous. Why did I choose this path? It’s quite funny now that I think about it.

It‘s a miracle that I endured through it all this time.

What more can I say. Just tell me “good job.”

You did great. Tell me I suffered enough.

Even though you can’t laugh right now, just don‘t send me off blaming me.

Good job.

You suffered a great deal.

Good-bye.”

 

I never met you. I only saw you by watching videos online. When i read your letter, i feel like i wrote it myself. I feel your pain as if it were my own. I miss you. Why do i feel like I lost a very close friend. Listening to your songs… I always cry. I wish you never left. Your last words break my heart. I miss you so much. I feel my pain and sadness in your voice. 2 years have gone by, but it feels like it were yesterday when you left this world. Thank you, for living. Even though you are not here, i feel hope whenever i listen to your songs. They make me want to live. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. May you rest in peace. 18.12.2017

Your words are forever engraved in my heart….

You really, truly, did a good job. Thank you so much for living.

2 comments
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2 comments

hope432 12/3/2019 - 9:13 am

Thank you for you heart warming message. I don’t know who you are but I know I would miss you if you did commit suicide. May peace be with you, too. May you find peace in life and live happy.

from Hope432, an unknown person.

a falling star 1/3/2020 - 3:30 pm

Thank you… so much. I never thought life would happen this way, but the thought that someone who doesn’t know me will miss me,even if i do smth to myself. I think that is enough of a resason for me to stop thinking that everybody doesn’t Care about me. That is actually on the contrary. I’m thankful to you and what you said. Im totally gratefull for the words u told me. Thank u soo much. I wishh u all the best in life, same for u whatever shit u go through , i know u can stay stongth. Fighting, u are more strongrther that u believe. stay strong, i know u will win. (I hope what i wrote makes sense and that it wont cause a bit of a confusion, my bad, truly) ? thanks again, even these seemingly at first irrelevant messages and messages can be late but is how it helps u. And btw, my name is jelena, i knew it won’t mean anything to you, i just wanted to say wanted you to know.?
Thank you…once again

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