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by kill_me

The last time I cried in front of my family happened when my mom scolded me for not doing my project in grade 2. Out of the youngest girls cousins, I was the oldest. Oldest in the youngest. I was given the task not to cry whenever there’s a relative who dies so that my cousins will not also cry. For a reason they really like me and follows what I do so they told me not to cry. I never knew why I was so obedient I carried it into adulthood.

You know, it’s lonely. To stop your family from breaking apart. I know this is the life I chose, to be the hero behind the scenes where no one would knoe of my sacrifice.

One time I was tempted to tell them. I considered going in for therapy, for getting professional help. But I found out they are not open to mental health. Actually, they despise it. They think people who are depressed are just crazy people who wants attention. Even my brother thinks like that it totally surprised me. So I told myself to hang in there and wait until you graduate highschool.

I then started college and my course was BS Psychology. Convinced myself that who the hell cares I’ll just treat myself in the process. I adjusted pretty quickly but now I am just staying at home waiting to be enrolled for homeschool. Told my parents it’s because I have a hard time catching up since I skip a wk if classes whenever I’m on my period. It’s true so they bought it. My father’s even glad about it. Homeschool means no allowances. No allowances means the end for an expensive suicide from me. That’s why I stopped with antifreeze and is still looking for a way where I’ll not spend any money.

College was hard for me not because of the academics but because of my schoolmates. You’d learn better alone without a professor and without your classmates who just relies on you in a groupwork. God those idiots. Can’t believe they even graduated highschool and got accepted in that college. And my psychology professor just keeps on making the clown as an example in our class. Our topic in a group project is even sexual violence. Took a huge toll on me when they relied on me on making the paper and interviewing participants. Might have just well interviewed myself.

So yes here I am now a college dropout but hoping to start anew through homeschooling. But I’m not sure if I’ll still take psychology. Somehow I just lost interest in myself.

Okay back to the story. You know it’s kinda funny when my mother asked me if I’m not sad my grandfather died. Who the hell doesn’t feel the pain of losing a loved one? Specially when I was the favorite grandchild. That question just left me speechless all I can do was laugh.

I admit I’m kind of a shut off? Is that the right word? Well I’m an introvert. That’s normal? Yes? No? My friends used to say I’m like a man because I don’t talk about my problems and because I don’t cry. I had a hard time talking about my feelings. When I finally changed that’s when no one paid any attention to me.

The person who just keeps on making my life miserable is my mom. First I don’t have any right to say anything since I am the ‘youngest.’ The youngest but the person they call on when they need assistance but still blames for every missing and broken things. BUT who the hell invents things to tell people? Okay let’s say I’m Clary. She says. You know Clary told me this. Clary cried yesterday. Clary this Clary that. She keeps on inventing something to tell other people. Sometimes she adds many alterations on an event or story that happened to me. She says that even to my dad and other relatives. So who the hell knows me? The real me? When all they’ve been told were lies? Sometimes I wonder if I’m also believing those lies as they were told over and over again.

I can’t even share a story to them since my mother will alter things. I don’t want her saying bad things to my friends to other people. It’s okay if she wants to destroy me but not my friends. She doesn’t even aknowledge (okay I don’t know the spelling sorry) my bestfriend. My bestest bedtfriend. All because she came from a somewhat poor family. She’s insisting that my bestfriend is my close friend  in school who’s from a wealthy family.

Okay that’s all I’ll stop here need to get my sleep.



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postalservice 12/10/2019 - 2:10 am

Oh, wow. She has to pretend your friend is wealthy… What does America even mean to that woman? People build their lives from nothing, it’s what makes this country great.
I mean, I thought my family was bad. A doctor, a VP, a salesman, salesman’s house-wife, and a factory worker. Aunts uncle’s etc They look down at struggling people, too, like they’re dirty/contaminated/at fault, which (who cares if it’s true). They’re all Trump supporters, which is whatever, but they look down at “mixed races” and “Hispanics” etc like it’s a garbage thing. My family was raised poor, so I never understood it. And all Catholic. And here I am, gay and hating every bit of it on holidays. I love how clean my family keeps things. They say it’s because they were raised bv Germans.
Anyway, mine seems to have a stuck up family motto, “You’re not wrong if you were raised poor, but I’ll be damned if you’re struggling”

kill_me 12/10/2019 - 5:47 am

Yeah she’s literally forcing me to befriend wealthy people instead of my bestfriend. I think it’s all about the attention and the connections she’s after. My parents are also Trump supporters which is kinda funny or whatever because first we’re Asians. But oh well they support our president who thinks and acts like Trump or maybe even worst. Apparently our family motto goes like be happy don’t give up but destroy your daughter lol.

kill_me 12/10/2019 - 5:49 am

They’re not open to those things or topics aren’t they?

postalservice 12/11/2019 - 2:49 am

Um, well, if I told them I was depressed/suicidal, they’d try supporting me at arm’s length with a referral. Sometimes they say they’re proud of me as a person, for owning a house on my own, etc but like you said if I’m struggling at anything “I’m not trying hard enough”, That’s just my dad’s side. My mom’s side is warmer and easy to open up to.

postalservice 12/10/2019 - 2:27 am

But, I saw a good dose of snobby from both ends of the political spectrum, not that it has much to do with anything. Writers/musicians/”coffee-art barfly knowitalls/save the planet -let 16 year old daughter smoke pot in my basement liberal snobs. Best friend’s parents were liberal and stood out in the community/hung around snobs all day.

rivets 12/10/2019 - 7:52 am

Have you ever looked at college work and thought, “I could learn this nonsense without paying exorbitant amounts of money in tuition, so why do I need a piece of paper to prove I learned it?”

The world is such a superficial place. The stuff you learn isn’t the important part of college anymore. It’s the piece of paper. The higher the tuition, the more prestigious the piece of paper is. It all revolves around money, like that’s the be-all criteria for proving you’re a successful human. I don’t get offended by much, but the attitude that says you must prove something to other people in the first place spins my top every single time.

kill_me 12/10/2019 - 9:31 am

Having a certificate from the most prestigious aka expensive school will guarantee you money. Funny how money solves everything.

You know I’ve wondered why we always need to explain ourselves. Why does society question everything? People are always paying attention trying to find a fault. You always need to present an evidence that matches with what came out from your mouth. You need to prove yourself to be accepted and during those whole yrs they’ll still find something wrong to blame you. Well I don’t need if it even makes sense anymore..

rivets 12/10/2019 - 9:39 am

Consider what money is – it’s a carrier of value. GDP represents the whole productive value of the economy. So all the economic activity, all the work, all the material conversion from base to refined… money is the representative of that. When someone goes to work in a factory, their pay is a representative of a fraction of the material conversion borne from their labor. It’s all a veneer to cover up the ugly reality underneath it. Afterall, some crisp dollar bills are so much more appealing than chicken carcasses, for example. At a certain level, that money ceases to have any meaning at all. It becomes a nebulous thing without any connection to material reality at all. Is it any wonder that everything it touches undergoes the same transformation?

postalservice 12/11/2019 - 2:07 am

I agree, sorta superficial. College is overpriced. One hell of a financial mountain to climb for the average guy. I think the financial hill gives more “value” to a degree because it sums up how a person will spend their time. You have to choose wisely because of cost.
Idk, unless it’s Yale or Stanford etc I think “prestigious schools” are overrated. I have a couple doctors in my family that went to average schools, they’re sitting on millions. my godfather started a business and retired with millions after an average school.
IMO, people who attend prestigious schools and stick their nose up at people are just dumb. It’s an avalanche of bullshit. It’s human nature to want acceptance. If someone says blue is better than green people will feed into it if they’re blue instead of green. Google Jane Elliot’s a class divided. Literally, she divides a room based on eye color. She then tells the brown eyes they’re better than the blues. The brown eyes lash out at the blue eyes. The blues feel oppressed after feeling like they were treated differently. Every time, for years this experiment ends with the same results. Jane Elliot divided an audience on Oprah, still the same! Tell someone they’re better than another, they’ll believe it. It’s learned but nature to want to feel that way. Lol

rivets 12/11/2019 - 7:49 am

That’s a rationalization for taking a simple psychological pathway. Just think how long our species has existed, and contrast that to how long complex societies have existed. This is a new turn, very recent in our evolutionary development, that relies almost exclusively on exploitation of the weaknesses in that development for it to exist. That’s no way to define a species.

postalservice 12/12/2019 - 7:41 am

I feel like we re on the same page, but I’m unsure.

rivets 12/12/2019 - 7:58 am

I’m talking mostly about the psychological experiments that seek to prove that humans are herd animals, prone to peer pressure. Sure, sure, it’s part of our evolutionary heritage to form groups, but groups as big as what we have now? That’s more akin to mass psychosis than any normal behavior. The entire reason those experiments were conceived was for use in population control – advertising. Exploiting the weakest points in our evolutionary history for the benefit of some rich assholes in a boardroom. That’s also the reason politicians pushed, during the industrial revolution, for policies that would encourage rapid population growth. Bigger groups are easier to exploit than small groups. And here we are, today. Everybody’s insane and nobody knows why.

rivets 12/12/2019 - 8:08 am

Ugh, disregard me, I’m a little wound up still.

postalservice 12/12/2019 - 9:58 am

I was trying to say stuck up people that spit at others are full of it.
I don’t think that particular experiment explains every person on the entire planet.
I’m a cheap shopper, rich assholes in a boardroom don’t get to me.
That sounds too “new world order” for me, lol interesting read, though. (Rapid population growth = more ads/commercials :/)
Nice food for thought.

rivets 12/12/2019 - 10:05 am

It’s not new world order, it’s old world order. The internet kind of ruptured the bubble. Now all the corporations are trying to take over new media platforms to recapture the market on information. Now we’ve got Wedneys and Burger King waging war on Reddit, and a quiet noose tightening around the neck of independent content creators. It’s not like there’s some shady group pulling the strings, though. It’s just business.

postalservice 12/12/2019 - 7:42 am

I think we agreed on the exploitation part. Uh….

postalservice 12/11/2019 - 2:08 am

Not you, though. In general ha

postalservice 12/12/2019 - 9:37 pm

Yeah, Tor is good for that kinda stuff. Free reign on YouTube and new vids are my interests in it.

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