The last time I cried in front of my family happened when my mom scolded me for not doing my project in grade 2. Out of the youngest girls cousins, I was the oldest. Oldest in the youngest. I was given the task not to cry whenever there’s a relative who dies so that my cousins will not also cry. For a reason they really like me and follows what I do so they told me not to cry. I never knew why I was so obedient I carried it into adulthood.
You know, it’s lonely. To stop your family from breaking apart. I know this is the life I chose, to be the hero behind the scenes where no one would knoe of my sacrifice.
One time I was tempted to tell them. I considered going in for therapy, for getting professional help. But I found out they are not open to mental health. Actually, they despise it. They think people who are depressed are just crazy people who wants attention. Even my brother thinks like that it totally surprised me. So I told myself to hang in there and wait until you graduate highschool.
I then started college and my course was BS Psychology. Convinced myself that who the hell cares I’ll just treat myself in the process. I adjusted pretty quickly but now I am just staying at home waiting to be enrolled for homeschool. Told my parents it’s because I have a hard time catching up since I skip a wk if classes whenever I’m on my period. It’s true so they bought it. My father’s even glad about it. Homeschool means no allowances. No allowances means the end for an expensive suicide from me. That’s why I stopped with antifreeze and is still looking for a way where I’ll not spend any money.
College was hard for me not because of the academics but because of my schoolmates. You’d learn better alone without a professor and without your classmates who just relies on you in a groupwork. God those idiots. Can’t believe they even graduated highschool and got accepted in that college. And my psychology professor just keeps on making the clown as an example in our class. Our topic in a group project is even sexual violence. Took a huge toll on me when they relied on me on making the paper and interviewing participants. Might have just well interviewed myself.
So yes here I am now a college dropout but hoping to start anew through homeschooling. But I’m not sure if I’ll still take psychology. Somehow I just lost interest in myself.
Okay back to the story. You know it’s kinda funny when my mother asked me if I’m not sad my grandfather died. Who the hell doesn’t feel the pain of losing a loved one? Specially when I was the favorite grandchild. That question just left me speechless all I can do was laugh.
I admit I’m kind of a shut off? Is that the right word? Well I’m an introvert. That’s normal? Yes? No? My friends used to say I’m like a man because I don’t talk about my problems and because I don’t cry. I had a hard time talking about my feelings. When I finally changed that’s when no one paid any attention to me.
The person who just keeps on making my life miserable is my mom. First I don’t have any right to say anything since I am the ‘youngest.’ The youngest but the person they call on when they need assistance but still blames for every missing and broken things. BUT who the hell invents things to tell people? Okay let’s say I’m Clary. She says. You know Clary told me this. Clary cried yesterday. Clary this Clary that. She keeps on inventing something to tell other people. Sometimes she adds many alterations on an event or story that happened to me. She says that even to my dad and other relatives. So who the hell knows me? The real me? When all they’ve been told were lies? Sometimes I wonder if I’m also believing those lies as they were told over and over again.
I can’t even share a story to them since my mother will alter things. I don’t want her saying bad things to my friends to other people. It’s okay if she wants to destroy me but not my friends. She doesn’t even aknowledge (okay I don’t know the spelling sorry) my bestfriend. My bestest bedtfriend. All because she came from a somewhat poor family. She’s insisting that my bestfriend is my close friend in school who’s from a wealthy family.
Okay that’s all I’ll stop here need to get my sleep.