I’m 14 years old, a high school freshman.
i finally gathered my thoughts and emotions and decided I was ready several weeks ago. i’ve been struggling with severe anxiety and depression for years now. shit, can’t even stand in front of my class at school without wanting to shrivel up and die. so i attempted.
my suicide was not impulsive. i planned and researched for weeks. i decided to do it on a friday, so i wouldn’t have to wake up early the next day for school. i did it. i took 31 tylenol, and some other random pills in our medicine cabinet. according to my research, i should’ve died slowly and painfully from liver failure or something.
i took the pills after school. it was surreal, standing in front of the bathroom. i cried quietly so no one would hear me. so i took the pills, then in like 10 minutes i got so dizzy. so dizzy. it was hard to see, there was random black everywhere. it was hard to breathe. then I threw up. this is kinda nasty, but at the beginning I threw up white, which I knew was the pills. the anger i felt seeing that, i can’t describe to you. at that moment i realized i probably wouldn’t die. i threw up the pills. they weren’t in my liver. the only thing i regret is not taking vomiting preventative medications to make me not throw up. so in the end, I threw up 15 times. there was nothing left in me. i was dehydrated as shit and so exhausted.
i was so ashamed, but I don’t regret it at all. i’m planning on drinking a ton of bleach, or cutting that one big vein in my leg, finding a death cap mushroom, or doing pills again but with something that will make me not throw up. i don’t have the materials i need though, not yet.
so what was it like, after i survived? i’m a high school freshman in a high achieving school, which I definitely don’t belong in. i have several friends. no one, to this day, knows about my attempt. they’d probably freak out. not even gonna think about what my parents would do, they think mental illness is dumb. so i decided that no one can ever know this side of me, the insanity that ravages me. it leaks out sometimes, i can feel it. but i’m really good at keeping my mouth shut now. my mom has seen my cut scars before, but I told her i fell at school, and she believed me. I feel so numb and alone. I can’t imagine going through the rest of high school like this. keeping my grades up is so hard. my anxiety is so consuming, I can’t talk to people normally. I can’t sleep at night. I’m always so tired. I just want out. I want it so bad. but no one understands because apparently life is beautiful, but that’s only true for those who are truly alive. i am the walking dead. I don’t belong here