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i attempted, i survived

by afreen

I’m 14 years old, a high school freshman.
i finally gathered my thoughts and emotions and decided I was ready several weeks ago. i’ve been struggling with severe anxiety and depression for years now. shit, can’t even stand in front of my class at school without wanting to shrivel up and die. so i attempted.

my suicide was not impulsive. i planned and researched for weeks. i decided to do it on a friday, so i wouldn’t have to wake up early the next day for school. i did it. i took 31 tylenol, and some other random pills in our medicine cabinet. according to my research, i should’ve died slowly and painfully from liver failure or something.

i took the pills after school. it was surreal, standing in front of the bathroom. i cried quietly so no one would hear me. so i took the pills, then in like 10 minutes i got so dizzy. so dizzy. it was hard to see, there was random black everywhere. it was hard to breathe. then I threw up. this is kinda nasty, but at the beginning I threw up white, which I knew was the pills. the anger i felt seeing that, i can’t describe to you. at that moment i realized i probably wouldn’t die. i threw up the pills. they weren’t in my liver. the only thing i regret is not taking vomiting preventative medications to make me not throw up. so in the end, I threw up 15 times. there was nothing left in me. i was dehydrated as shit and so exhausted.

i was so ashamed, but I don’t regret it at all. i’m planning on drinking a ton of bleach, or cutting that one big vein in my leg, finding a death cap mushroom, or doing pills again but with something that will make me not throw up. i don’t have the materials i need though, not yet.

so what was it like, after i survived? i’m a high school freshman in a high achieving school, which I definitely don’t belong in. i have several friends. no one, to this day, knows about my attempt. they’d probably freak out. not even gonna think about what my parents would do, they think mental illness is dumb. so i decided that no one can ever know this side of me, the insanity that ravages me. it leaks out sometimes, i can feel it. but i’m really good at keeping my mouth shut now. my mom has seen my cut scars before, but I told her i fell at school, and she believed me. I feel so numb and alone. I can’t imagine going through the rest of high school like this. keeping my grades up is so hard. my anxiety is so consuming, I can’t talk to people normally. I can’t sleep at night. I’m always so tired. I just want out. I want it so bad. but no one understands because apparently life is beautiful, but that’s only true for those who are truly alive. i am the walking dead. I don’t belong here

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4 comments

mountaingoat 12/14/2019 - 10:15 pm

You don’t seem to fear pain much. Dying of liver failure would be positively awful.

I attempted at age 14 too. I took tons of Aspirin. All that happened is I got sick as hell for a couple days.

That was 30 years ago. It was over a girl who broke my heart.

Hang in there pal, as long as you can. You’re here for a reason and you don’t want to miss it. Even if that reason is to be a neurotic freak who cannot deal. You still don’t want to miss it. Sounds weird?

Your consciousness is evolving. There’s bound to be rough spots, even ones that may last an entire lifetime

Cause of Death: Suicide 12/15/2019 - 1:15 am

I’ve been trying to kill myself since a freshman in high school, as well. I was the same as you, but I didn’t know how to kill myself. So I planned to drink bleach or hang myself. However, none of those were the right method for me, so I decided I would wait until I turned 18. Then on my 18th birthday I would buy a gun the day I turned 18 and kill myself. I am 25 now and sadly I am still alive. However, I can tell you one thing, your methods do not sound like very good ones that will actually kill you and kill you painlessly. I can think of 4 or 5 methods off the top of my head that are safer and more effective than the ones you listed. I wouldn’t try any of those because you will just end up how you did after the Tylenol, throwing up 15 times and still alive.

rivets 12/15/2019 - 7:39 am

Just never overdose. That’s the most pointless way to try and kill oneself. I’m not saying that to be mean or condescending – it’s just never a good idea unless you have very specific, and hard to acquire substances. Life might get better, but the damage you could wind up doing to yourself that way won’t.

I know school is BS. It was BS when I was there, too. Find out who you are without relying on anyone to tell you. Find out what you want (outside suicide, I mean) without anyone giving you a list to choose from. Lists are stupid and limiting. It’s only a few years and you’ll be free to pursue whatever you’d like, however you’d like to. Just hang on until then.

blackxlily 12/15/2019 - 11:05 am

At least you even feel motivated to kill yourself. I just feel like a zombie…I’ve dissociated from everything.

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