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i wanna go home

by kill_me

The funny thing about suicide is that you cannot guarantee whether you’ll suceed 100% or fail. It’s been months since I prepared my notes but I just won’t fucking die. Yeah I locked myself in my cabinet and tried carbon monoxide. I thought it wasn’t working so I came out. The moment I removed the tapes and stepped out of the cabinet finally breathing pure oxygen, I felt so dizzy the room was literally spinning, i felt like vomitting and was having a headache at the same time. I remember eating while lying down with my eyes closed.

I said I’d definitely try that again but was afraid people in our house will be suspicious of me. Good thing I was prescribed beta blockers by my neurologist. Overdosed on it but it didn’t work. After a few wks I bought potassium pills to overdose but it didn’t work again. The same night I overdosed with some other pills like paracetamol and ibrupofen. It just got me gastritis. I was certain that’ll work due to the amount I took.

I was running out of money since I’m a student who just relies on my weekly allowance. Searched again and finally got my answer. I bought three types of antifreeze from the store. Tasted which ones tastes sweet BUT HELL IT WASN’T SWEET AT ALL IT TASTES SO BITTER EXCEPT FOR ONE THAT TASTES JUST A LITTLE BIT SWEET.

So here I am now running out of options. Can’t believe my stupidity reaches this level. Maybe it is fate that keeps on interfering but I don’t know. I just wanna fucking die. I am a Catholic but I do wonder, if I ask God to take my life will He? 

8 comments
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8 comments

postalservice 12/8/2019 - 1:17 am

Hang in there. Don’t do that to yourself. Take it one day at a time. I’m sorry you’re in so much pain… </3

postalservice 12/8/2019 - 1:18 am

What’s bothering you so much?

kill_me 12/8/2019 - 1:42 pm

Just everything?

postalservice 12/8/2019 - 9:07 pm

If you want to open up I’m all ears ~ this is anon afterall

postalservice 12/8/2019 - 9:09 pm

Been there on this, except it was a garage and hose to my car’s exhaust. It was an older car but I just ended up feeling dizzy, and the melatonin I took to sleep through it didn’t work. That was a couple years ago. I’m glad I didn’t take that route but sometimes everythings unbearable

postalservice 12/8/2019 - 9:16 pm

Been there on this, except it was a garage and hose to my car’s exhaust. It was an older car but I just ended up feeling dizzy, and the melatonin I took to sleep through it didn’t work. That was a couple years ago. I’m glad I didn’t take that route but sometimes everything is unbearable. I remember breaking down and crying because it didn’t work. So this struck a chord in a way

postalservice 12/8/2019 - 11:30 pm

Also catholic-ish

Ennui 12/9/2019 - 1:48 pm

why does it matter that the antifreeze wasn’t sweet, does it only work if it’s sweet?

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