I did not made it to the plane. Before of it, I had been accommodated to the psychiatric station which is locked.
Forced to either take the medicine and to stay for longer, to have the medicine injected and to leave after 4 hours on the 4th day, 1 day before the flight or to stay probably forever with no medicine of the neuroleptic kind.
They are tricky, but it feels rather that I am given the riskless, everything is dangerous but won’t kill you kind of reality. I had to take the medicine and right after, I cried. I hate who I saw in the mirror. I did not felt suicidal, but this feels unreal and to be within the spectrum of a schizophrenic illness extroverted by the medicine, and it is the social desire required to be able to say. Later on, I got the injection. I can tell no time, but going on from there was unable without self-harm and a general destructive and unfortunate result in Israel plus the risk for life and health for me and other can not be put on the verge on my mistakes.
Life is giving me lessons, and everything I do feels often without any value, does not get appreciation, is to be done within poor standards that do not fit mine. I tried under enforcing substances to make certain experiences, but failed even to be allowed to try basic activities of prostitution. There are yobs who are impressed, turned on, staring at me when I have a certain gender expressed, they are even demanding. The behaviour is rather obtrusive and the expectation is also unreal, does not fit the private manner of the subject. Alike this results, everyone asexual would be happy entirely, but I ain’t.
But, this is still plausible to my being, and I try to get over the imagination of me. I do not need it, but without it, I would be unable to have the actual life I have. With it, my Being is doing irrational things which aren’t even commencing logical at all. The Identity I have is out of breath by the disabilities that happen without any reason to be. As if I am caged.
As biological women*, I had already been mass raped. My corpse had been fucked atleast 5 times a day. I would not be faced in the public as people like me to like to do things. I would going to say I am loving and acting like the one in the beginning of the Movie “Eurotrip”. I would get any drug I like to and I would use my skills actively instead of passiv.
I am often and for a long period of time under drugs, but leave occasionally or visit someone for the night and stay awake, just because I like to. But I would like to feel as I have to stay awake, just to find a reason to not be ready to go shopping with a baseball bat and make trash and a bloody mess, be satisfied and more than just balance or to be poisoning children and to rave people. But, this is my disability I own, I ain’t any wrong. I am just mis-placed and want people who are alive to be alike, as they love living and I the one to purge them out.