I am a complete mess. I accept that. I love that.
I made a post going on about how much I hate myself, despise my loveless antics, all that jazz. But in all actuality, am I going to kill myself? No. Here’s why..
I love the unpredictability of life. Anything can happen. I can’t sit here and rush shit to just happen. Neither can you. I can’t fix any of you, I can’t fix me. But I’m accepting my flaws and I want to better myself. Not for any of you. But for me. I don’t care if the world hates me. If I never find love. If I’m never completely happy. Anything can change anything. I’m going to live. So will you. Being alive terrifies me, and I think being terrified makes me feel more alive.
I use to think I’d be miserable forever. Maybe I will, I don’t know. But that’s okay. I can’t kill myself because I’d be hurting too many people. I’m selfless to a fault. But maybe in this case, it’s a good thing. I’ll always think of another life where I finally did end it. But I won’t do it in this one. Even if I end up alone and unloved later in life..it’s okay. My life is meaningless. But that’s okay. I just need it to mean something to me.
I’m going to find it. What my life means to me. Maybe it’s nothing, maybe it’s something. I’ll update you guys on that.
I am a complete and utter mess. Look at me.