More change

Just a heads up. This is another of my rambling, somewhat unfocused, rambling posts I tend to do. Anyways:

It’s been a while. Few months since I’ve been lurking around here.

I have my own room now, which is good. Need a bed, but I have no money so, I sleep on a flat air up mattress. Fun.

Started college, for the like 4th time overall, last month. I guess that’s good.

It’s been 4 years and I still lurk around here.. Not sure how I feel about that tbh.

I’ve more or less busied myself with class and trying to once again find work. Employment woes should hopefully end once I’m done with the course I’m taking.

I like the class. At least I don’t hate the classes.

I feel very much the same, like a man-child that can’t get it right. That can’t get it together regardless of what I try to do.

I’ve managed to isolate myself from family and old childhood friends for the most part. I feel like I don’t remember the important things, like I’m just doing some day to day bullshit. I feel unimportant in general, but it’s not like me telling family or friends that will change anything. I’ll be told to pray, to be grateful for what I do have, that I’m being lazy, irresponsible, don’t have my shit together, etc.

I’m still ugly, obese, tired all the time, etc.

I think the saddest thing is, as much as I’d like to see a therapist, I’m too broke to afford one.

What can I even do for myself now? Everybody’s getting married, having kids, moving forward with their lives. My life currently is class and then home, while trying to find work and still field parental units, all the while drowning in monetary issues that won’t be resolved unless I find a good paying job and manage to eliminate the bulk of my spending, allowing myself to finally properly save.

You still have some time, you’re still young, this is the prime of your life! they say.

Some prime I’m having. I never have time. I always feel like I’m running out of time. It irritates me so much.

I think I’m just angry with myself. I’m always angry with myself. I lose things. Important things. I misplace things. I do stupid things like endorse a money order I’m not supposed to. Like wasting money on a scooter, when I don’t have the money to do so mind you, just to wind up wasting more on an Uber because I was grabbing a lost school item. I almost lost school property the day before. It was just dumb of me to not keep track of it at all times. I was late for class for the first time today as well. I don’t expect perfection but I’ve repeated mistakes so many times at this point. My roommate has to suffer because of my nonsense as well.

It seems I vent my shit here. I guess that’s what I use the site for. Everytime I wind up here, I wind up posting something. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know where I’ll wind up whatsoever. My roommate told me I’ll wind up back where I was a few years back, home and miserable, unless I start to get it together. He tries to help me but I always fuck up somewhere, and as a result, I nearly fucked my friendship with him.

This is getting a bit longer than I thought it would be. I do hate how everything’s ended up for me, even though I tried to get where I wanted to be. I mean I’m still trying to do something, because at this point, giving up will do nothing for me. And yet, I feel like I’ve given up so many times the past 4 years. The sheer ambivalence of my life is quite annoying. Back and forth, up and down, I can’t settle into a rhythm that I can work with because I’m always out of a job, or fucked up in school, or fucking up relationships with family and friends. I feel like the person I am now, and the person I was at the end of high school are two totally different people, and to this day, I feel like late 2013 was my peak. Just downhill after the fact.

Here’s where I’d put a relevant quote, if I had any in mind.

Fuck.