I find people…difficult. Maybe everyone does. I don’t know. Most don’t seem to get so hung up on the little things. There’s this feeling inside of paralysis, of wrongness, when it comes to minor social interactions. I don’t know what’s appropriate. I am consumed by doubt. I fear negative judgement.
Do I insistently bang loudly upon the door until someone answers, or return some other time? Do I wait for that organisation to call me back, or take matters into my own hands, risking later confusion & annoyance? Is my uncertainty a demonstration of foolishness? Of lack of common sense? Would any normal person know what to do in this situation? Is this a sign of weakness? Or cowardice?
That’s what I fear – showing any sign to the world of my inferiority. My wrongness.
Rationally, I know these things are trivial. Nothing disastrous will result, whatever the outcome. No matter how weird or pathetic or inferior people perceive me to be, the world will continue to spin. Death, disease, famine & war will continue unaltered.
But still, it’s the little things that unsettle me. The not knowing what to do, or how to be. The feeling of wrongness, & uncertainty. That whatever choice I make, it will be wrong. And that will somehow unveil my inner wrongness to the world. And disaster will follow.
No one can ever see my weakness. That’s been my thing for so long. It started off as trying to hide little inadequacies. But now it’s trying to cover up monstrous, cancerous character flaws.
Writing this made me feel a little better, for a while. No matter what results from such little things, it’s highly unlikely to have any significant impact on my life. It could go humiliatingly, cringe-inducingly awfully, and nothing would change.
But still, the unease will persist, until the matter is somehow settled. Because in the mean time I don’t know what to do, or how to be, and I have this embedded sense of wrongness inside.