I’m so tired. Not sleepy. I slept all day. But still, I just want to curl up in a ball and forget everything. To be free of it. To not be aware of myself.
There’s stuff I have to do. Even just to keep living in the short term. Bills gotta be paid etc. And if I’m ever going to make an attempt that is smart rather than botched, then I’ll need to purchase equipment. I’ll need to research, and plan, and prepare.
I don’t want to. I don’t want to do anything that requires acknowledging my fucked reality. I want to forget, to escape, to close my eyes and discover it was all a bad dream.
No matter how many pragmatic talking-toos I give myself trying to pull myself together, my body refuses. My limbs are leaden. There’s no gas in the tank.
I have no motivation. Things aren’t extreme enough yet that I’m desperate enough to overcome my fear of death. And by the time they are, it’ll likely be too late.
I see no meaningful future, or prospect of ending my misery. There’s no carrot leading me forward, and though rationally I know the stick is coming, I can’t see it yet.
My body is effectively doing the equivalent of a toddler’s tantrum, lying on the floor, refusing to move until someone gives it a cookie.
I know it’s not smart, but I’m just so fucking tired. Every tiny action takes so much effort. It’s like I’m moving through treacle.
Why do anything? There’s no hope, and my greatest fears are still distant enough that I can pretend they aren’t coming.
7 comments
You have just accurately described what it feels like to live in a state of drug addiction. I refuse to move until I get MY cookie but unfortunately for me, a cookie=any drug I can get my hands on. (Opiates first, coke and uppers second, weed and alcohol third tier)
So the only thing that gets me moving after the cookie is denied is hope. Hope that it will get better. Living without hope is torture. One can only do it for so long.
I imagine that is what you are going through right now: living with the absence of hope for the future. I have been there and I know how much that hurts.
Dreams for the future work as well as hope but then what happens when you lose both? Then we must change. At all costs. Change jobs, change cities, change friends, hobbies, diet, the media we consume, change everything.
Do you have the power to change?
My addictions are behavioral rather than substance based. Too scared of a loss of control with drugs.
My only hopes are delusional/fantastical. If I can lie to myself effectively enough then I can sometimes get stuff done, but reality inevitable intrudes.
I have no job or friends or life. I’ve avoided it all, because I couldn’t tolerate the fear of it. I’ve moved often, but my mind unfortunately follows me.
I don’t think I have it in me to change. Ways of dealing with reality seem too entrenched to let go of. I don’t know how to stop feeling this terrible sense of wrongness, and I don’t know any other ways of reacting.
If you lack dreams and hope for the future, then how do you change? How do you avoid falling back into the same destructive thoughts/habits/actions? Without hope for the future or a goal to work toward, seems like having the necessary discipline to do that would be nearly impossible.
” there’s no carrot leading me forward” quite excellent writing I must say.
Thanks, though I’m sure there’s an innuendo in there somewhere 😉
I may not fully understand what you are going through or the intensity of it, but I could confidently say that I’m in the same hole as you are… Losing the drive to do things as well as like what you said, “Every tiny action takes so much effort. It’s like I’m moving through treacle.”
I would most of the time pretend or fantasized that someone would come and save me from myself and to the fucked up reality.
I may not fully understand what you are going through or the intensity of it, but I could confidently say that I’m in the same hole as you are… Losing the drive to do things as well as like what you said, “Every tiny action takes so much effort. It’s like I’m moving through treacle.”
I would most of the time pretend or fantasized that someone would come and save me from myself and to the fucked up reality.
Shit…