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by SystemK101

I want to die. I’m not depressed, mentally destressed, stressed in general, etcetera I’m general an average person. But. I just don’t like existing. I’d rather not. It’s my opinion, like apples to oranges. I like apples more than oranges. I’d like to die more than I’d like to live. I don’t hate my life (other than the simple fact of being alive), I don’t hate myself, people don’t hate me, for the most part, I mean you can’t be friends with anyone, y’know. I’ve been depressed, but when I’m depressed I’m not suicidal. I mostly just want attention and comfort, someone to talk to about my feelings. Not suicidal thoughts, just simply I’m feeling x because of y and I want to talk about it. When I’m happy, or stable I suppose, which is most of the time, I rational think about how I want to commit suicide. I enthusiastically tell peers about my plans. I know that sounds bizarre. I say it with a smile on my face, a genuine smile, I actually don’t feel bad, I feel content in the room with the other person discussing costs and methods. Not like I do this in my free time, but whenever the topic comes up, I bring out my handy-dandy notebook of suicidal ideation. Loads of papers, I’m obsessed. Not like that. Like you’d be obsessed about something coming up like a holiday, someone coming over, event, studying your favorite subject…mines death.

Let me attempt to explain my reasoning in more depth: I don’t, like, the idea of, existing on a universal plane. Scratch that, anywhere. In anything, as anyone. It’s so incredibly boring, stupid, and pointless. Pointless meaning without meaning or logical reason. Not in a “depressed like manner.” Just as it is pointless to check under the sun to see if there’s anything new up there, it is pointless to exist.

Question time – why live? Why live other than what you’ve been taught, or indoctrinate into? Give me one, one thing to live for.

Apart from anything you have ever known in your entire lifetime, generations.

There is no answer, just contemplation and realization. Nothing. Literally nothing. We we’re born humans and taught to be people. People who live in a society. In the world, a spinning rock. Imagine that.

I bet, if we we’re another species, from another reality, gazing at multiple other realities, we’d defiantly be the Sims.

Fun to play for awhile, but we eventually get so,
pointless. Dull. Meaningless. Boring. Bleh. I don’t wanna play Sim’s anymore, let’s play something else.

No spicing up my life will do nothing
No seeing someone will do nothing.
No taking pills will do nothing.
No seeing new people, making friends, going out distracting myself from the realities of life , as we all do, will do nothing.
No moving will do nothing.
No, anything else, no
The only thing that could’ve saved me was condoms, birth-control, or abortion. Whoops. Missed opportunity.
If you’re thinking ‘well, how does this person expect us to help??’
Don’t lol, answer the main question and you’ll be fine.
What do you think?


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mountaingoat 1/21/2020 - 10:37 pm

Desire for non-existence was one of the sufferings listed by the Buddha, and it seems you’ve caught that.

Do you really think you’ll solve your problems by offing yourself? Do you really think it’s that simple?

I’ll give you a reason to live. Your own religious quest. Live for that.

SystemK101 1/23/2020 - 6:58 pm

Thank you for your reply. I’m afraid I’m loosing faith in religion rapidly, and quite frankly, It contradicts the whole philosophy of existentialism.

negar 1/22/2020 - 2:41 am

Hello ๐Ÿ™‚
I think I understand what you say
I mean I think I have had been in same situations, feeling that way, finding myself analyzing suicide strategies with great joy like I’m playing a game or I’m solving a sudoku chart
Why don’t you talk with sb?
I mean you said you want comfort , sb who listens to you, ect
So why you don’t talk with sb?
Start a new game like that
Maybe you find a person who turns to a joyable reason for you to continue
You can even start with talking with strangers
I guarantee if you find an interesting enough person you will enjoy so much you might forget about your previous hobby to think about death

I know it’s not easy to find a person to talk with esp about these kind of thoughts
Many will laugh or don’t understand but as I said you can try talking with strangers
You can start from here as here you might find people who may understand you
I really hope you find my suggestion helpful

SystemK101 1/23/2020 - 7:00 pm

Thanks for the offer, but you misunderstand – That’s only when I’m depressed. When I’m okay, I’m like this. To be honest, I’m starting to get less and less depressed and more and more confident in my decision.
I’m actually really happy that I’m finally coming to this conclusion.

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