10 days without feeling upset, or not feeling anything at all. i’ve been keeping my mouth shut. no part of me is on social media yet i’ve put up what other people see as “everything”, no part of me is true, not in reality, not online. when i used to feel things, i would post them on a close friends list, or write them down on my notes, just to remind myself i’m feeling that way, really stupid of me but that was how i coped for a while. the happiness, for half a night i would be almost high on happiness and drown in a dose of confidence and the other time i felt complete trash and i thought posting would help, because making fun of my current situation would make me a outsider to my feelings.
well, that didn’t help and honestly that was the worst thing i’ve ever done to myself.
now nothing goes out. i try to communicate though, online or in real life.making stories like how i saw a bird slip and fall on wet ground (yes i know it’s stupid), to make others feel like i still exist, i’ve done everything to keep people interested yet i get no effort, no attention back. i think i know why, it’s because i’ve put myself down to the mud with all the self deprecating shit and now i’ve made everyone around me feel superior, i don’t even know if what i’m saying is making sense, but who cares, i’m not posting this for anyone to read, i just have to get it out there, one way or another.
i can’t feel anything now. i can’t even phrase it, i don’t feel anything. i know or by nature i feel the need to react a certain way, laugh or be sympathetic of someone, but i don’t feel anything inside. i used to cry from the negative emotions, now, i don’t know, i can still cry, a tear or two, but i feel truly nothing inside, as if i’m too tired for the emotions. i don’t know who i am, i never knew who i am, but now i truly don’t understand why i am feeling this way. i don’t need a reason, i’m so tired, i just want to sleep.
i can’t leave, i can’t die, i can’t go to sleep.
my death would ruin my family.
i’m only doing the things i do to stay alive, to make sure i get a job in the future, but i don’t even want that. i’m so tired i just want to go to sleep, once and for all. i don’t want a future, yet i have to work to get a good one. ok, tears, am i feeling anything though? i doubt