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i want to sleep

by evianwatre

10 days without feeling upset, or not feeling anything at all. i’ve been keeping my mouth shut. no part of me is on social media yet i’ve put up what other people see as “everything”, no part of me is true, not in reality, not online. when i used to feel things, i would post them on a close friends list, or write them down on my notes, just to remind myself i’m feeling that way, really stupid of me but that was how i coped for a while. the happiness, for half a night i would be almost high on happiness and drown in a dose of confidence and the other time i felt complete trash and i thought posting would help, because making fun of my current situation would make me a outsider to my feelings.

well, that didn’t help and honestly that was the worst thing i’ve ever done to myself.

now nothing goes out. i try to communicate though, online or in real life.making stories like how i saw a bird slip and fall on wet ground (yes i know it’s stupid), to make others feel like i still exist, i’ve done everything to keep people interested yet i get no effort, no attention back. i think i know why, it’s because i’ve put myself down to the mud with all the self deprecating shit and now i’ve made everyone around me feel superior, i don’t even know if what i’m saying is making sense, but who cares, i’m not posting this for anyone to read, i just have to get it out there, one way or another.

i can’t feel anything now. i can’t even phrase it, i don’t feel anything. i know or by nature i feel the need to react a certain way, laugh or be sympathetic of someone, but i don’t feel anything inside. i used to cry from the negative emotions, now, i don’t know, i can still cry, a tear or two, but i feel truly nothing inside, as if i’m too tired for the emotions. i don’t know who i am, i never knew who i am,  but now i truly don’t understand why i am feeling this way. i don’t need a reason, i’m so tired, i just want to sleep.

i can’t leave, i can’t die, i can’t go to sleep.

my death would ruin my family.

i’m only doing the things i do to stay alive, to make sure i get a job in the future, but i don’t even want that. i’m so tired i just want to go to sleep, once and for all. i don’t want a future, yet i have to work to get a good one. ok, tears, am i feeling anything though? i doubt

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5 comments

LiquidHuman 1/12/2020 - 10:02 pm

Yep. This takes me back a few years. I have felt absolutely nothing before. The last year of high school and the first year of college. I remember how it felt. But I don’t know why I felt that way. So I guess I can’t tell you I understand how you feel, because I don’t even understand how I felt then.

You might hate me for insinuating I understand how you feel. I know that statement can piss some people off to no end. And you know what, that’s good. If I piss you off, you’ll feel something. So I’ve done my job. Sometimes feeling one emotion, whether it be good or bad, is the first step to feeling happiness again. Everyone acts as if anger and sadness are bad things. And I guess they can seem that way. But it all depends on how you use those emotions. I figure, if you like someone, you should live to continue loving them. And if you hate someone, live just to spite them. (Just don’t kill them or anything.) Feed off the anger they make you feel in a positive way. By using it as fuel to keep you going.

I think your problem is you’re trying to find good emotions when I don’t think you’re in a good enough place to feel them genuinely. So cry. Or scream. Vent to someone. I think you’re afraid of doing so, because of the social taboo of it. But it’s necessary. If you don’t have someone you think you can trust with your emotions, then do it by yourself. Maybe after that is spent, you won’t feel so emotionally constipated. Because, that’s what it is. Constipation. You just need to get all these unresolved emotions out of your system. Because it’s clear that they’re there. You just can’t get at them.

Maybe watch as sad movie. Something that reminds you of the situation you’re in. You can have a nice long cry about it. Then move on to the next emotion. Maybe anger. Exercise is the best medicine for that. Take a jog while listening to heavy metal or something. Listening to metal helps me a lot. Then when you’re ready, try happiness. Treat feeling happiness like sex. Don’t moan if you don’t feel anything. That doesn’t do anyone any good. Do something that legitimately makes you happy. If you try something and it doesn’t make you happy, move on and try something else.

But most of all, don’t give up on yourself just yet. You seem pretty cool. And I enjoyed reading your venting. I hope I can at least do something to get you out of this emotionally constipated state.

Take care of yourself, okay?

evianwatre 1/14/2020 - 12:22 am

Thank you for the suggestions, i’ll try them out when i have time. I don’t see a reason to be pissed off tho, you sound like a really kind person.

theagonyandtheecstasy_ 1/13/2020 - 1:49 am

it’s so ok to feel like crap. you’re not horrible for the social media jazz. it’s just jazz. Like wearing make up and not wearing it. it’s life. lives of the people I used to know, and their social medias stress me out because it’s SO superficial and black and white in successes and failures. It makes me want to read more. Calling old friends and seeing how they are humbles reality back to normal.
All of this “I need to” “I’m a failure if I don’t prove blah”
You’re hurting. You don’t have to want a future right now. Hide away with a friend and watch movies or something lol

theagonyandtheecstasy_ 1/13/2020 - 1:56 am

Or you could drink a whole bottle of wine and see where it goes from there.

theagonyandtheecstasy_ 1/13/2020 - 1:57 am

Lolea tastes like soda. : 0

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