ive finally decided that its best for my friend to continue life without me. at least until i can be the person he wants me to be. if that ever happens which i highly doubt. not without rehab. i tried to put it all down but i was doing it all again 2 days later. he just doesnt know yet. im everything he hates….its better this way.
i can just see it, hehehe. he works at the rehab here and one day after god knows how long ill magically show up. one look at me and he will know everything. he’ll know i left because im not good enough for him. it will be obvious i picked the bottle back up and i couldnt face him. he’ll want to comfort me. want to make it all better. but he knows that i may embrace it or shy away. probably shy away. all that time away from each other and this is how we see each other again. what did i do? how low could i possible have allowed myself to fall? but i know me…ill never change.
part of me hopes he will see this post and message me. telling me that its ok, he understands things are hard for me and its unreasonable to expect me to change over night. that his feeling for me have never changed. but i know he wont see it. hes pretty good at leaving my personal stuff to myself. maybe a little bit too good. lol 🙁
this is the second time ive done this to him. he is my ex-boyfriend. i left him because i kept cheating. he knew. i even told him a few times becaues my friends backed me into a corner. and he never did anything. he never said anything. what he did was ask his mom if i could live there because i wasnt being treated well. but i never told him. he knew i was suicidal and i cut but that was it. i never told my back story. he just….accepted it. and then one day l left him. i couldnt handle my cheating anymore so i broke up with him. and now i cant handle my drinking. he knows i regret leaving but he understands why i did it. i just hope im not making the same mistake twice