Today, exactly at midnight till morning I had a drinking session with my so called friends. I was really waiting for this moment to come in which I could strongly admit that I’m not okay and tell the reasons in hope that they would understand.
However, all of that didn’t happen not even one, a false hope. As mentioned, I had hoped that someone would understand me and let me hear the words that would eventually save me… but no… because even my parents don’t. They confidently said that I chose wrong, that my desire to become more will only breed problems. I told them that I’m tired of being mocked, thrown or pushed away… I’m exhausted of doing things alone… I’m terrified of people I love leaving me.
I told them that everything that I have been doing or acting for the past few weeks was an effort of mine, hinting or giving clues that I am definitely not okay, but again no one noticed or no one bothered to. ‘Cause maybe people had always perceived me as a strong person that helps those who suffers, but now that I’m the one in agony… I got no one.
Perhaps it’s my fault in the first place… maybe if I have been more accepting towards my feelings and more opened to people about it… then maybe.