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Why?

by Left-on-Dead

There are many people in my life who have immense belief in my capabilities. Yet every day is a struggle. Some days far less than others.

Yet, with so much belief in me, and so much love and respect given. I still sit at the end of my bed. Staring down the barrel of my . 308

I need help. Tomorrow is my fist appt with a therapist since March of last year. Back then they told me I have bipolar depression and anxiety. What did I do? Try to take it on by myself.

I need help. But why? Why can’t I just fix myself?

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404 1/15/2020 - 1:54 am

its a lot for 1 person to take on by themselves. you might be able to pick up a small skipping stone but you should get help because picking up a 50lb brick is something you shouldnt do alone. i tried to do it alone for 6-10 years (its questionable as to when my depression actually started. the root cause 10 years ago but it didnt hit me bad until a few years later) and in that time i watched myself get worse and worse. i have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (keeping in mind ive only seen the person that diagnosed me once so im sure hes not done with the “good news”) and i think i also have depersonalization-derealization disorder and basically every anxiety out there. because i tried to fight it on my own i will probably never see things the same way again.

(to explain what i mean by see things the same way in case you dont know. for me its ongoing and i experience both, everything plays like a movie with no pause button and everything i see kinda has this blur to it)
Depersonalization-derealization disorder. This involves an ongoing or episodic sense of detachment or being outside yourself — observing your actions, feelings, thoughts and self from a distance as though watching a movie (depersonalization). Other people and things around you may feel detached and foggy or dreamlike, time may be slowed down or sped up, and the world may seem unreal (derealization). You may experience depersonalization, derealization or both. Symptoms, which can be profoundly distressing, may last only a few moments or come and go over many years.

as tempting as going it alone may be i dont advise it. i tried that and now im paying for it.

LLZ 2/17/2020 - 11:54 pm

EVERYONE on earth is trying to fix themselves. Unless you’re a pompus ass. Like my brother.

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