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Abuse or…

by no name

Am I in an abusive relationship or is it just me? I don’t know anything anymore. My dissociation has me so far out of it if I wasn’t smarter I’d swear everything is fake. That I’m not actually here. That what I see as life isn’t real. Idk. Part of me hopes it’s just me but idk. All I know for sure is that I’m becoming more and more suicidal again.

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a1957 2/12/2020 - 11:36 pm

Good question. Hi 404, it’s late here, but if I can think of something that might be useful I will comment tomorrow late.

headupunderdarkcloud 2/13/2020 - 2:00 am

It’s February. Feel everyone’s collective suicide meters are ramping up. But I hope some form of clarity will be kind and present itself to you.

thehusk 2/13/2020 - 12:34 pm

What makes you think you might be in an abusive relationship? Reality is always a matter of guesswork. It could be that your relationship is harmful, or it could be that your mental health issues are distorting your perception. All any of us can do is weigh up whatever evidence we have and guess.

404 2/13/2020 - 3:03 pm

Well without going into what he says because it’s too much and I cant exactly remember but he says “you know I’m joking” and….I dont know if he is or not 🙁

thehusk 2/13/2020 - 4:58 pm

I guess that might depend on how he says whatever it is. Does he say it like he thinks it’s funny and he’s winding you up in a good natured way? Or if it’s criticism, do you think it’s fair or reasonable (or do you think he’s pointing out flaws to make you feel bad)?

404 2/13/2020 - 5:19 pm

because of my dissociation i have no idea. im typically off in my own little world

thehusk 2/13/2020 - 6:07 pm

I can see how that would make it very difficult to judge an interaction. Do you think you’re dissociating because of things he’s saying to you? I guess if you don’t feel able to talk to him about it it’s probably not a good sign?

404 2/13/2020 - 6:17 pm

no im just always dissociated. basically my condition has gotten so bad my brain attempted to save itself when all it did was make things worse.
but yeah i dont talk to him about a lot of things because….idk i just dont talk to him as much as i should. i know part of it is because he has the capability to stop me but i dont think thats all of it

thehusk 2/13/2020 - 6:38 pm

That sound rough. Are you still trying to get help?

Stop you from doing what? Committing?

What is it about the way he talks to you that makes you think it might be abusive?

404 2/13/2020 - 7:12 pm

Yes commiting.

Idk I use to know when he was joking but I just can’t tell anymore. I want to say it’s his tone of voice but I don’t think it’s changed.

thehusk 2/13/2020 - 7:34 pm

Sounds like it might be worth talking to a friend who knows you irl to try to get a balanced perspective on it.

404 2/13/2020 - 7:39 pm

As much as I’d like to the only friend I have I’d talk to has a thing for me and doesn’t like my husband so I feel his opinion might be one sided here lol

thehusk 2/13/2020 - 8:58 pm

In that case my thought would be to talk to your husband about it. Unless you’re scared to, in which case your relationship would effectively be a harmful one. But it sounds complicated, so I’m probably talking out of my ass.

404 2/14/2020 - 3:35 am

Nope. I did bring it up with my friend to get a second opinion. And he was honest. He’s gonna be one sided about it lol. But it’s still another opinion and I know to take what he says with a grain of salt. As far as talking about it with my husband I probably will in a few days

a1957 2/13/2020 - 10:03 pm

If this phrase “you know I’m joking” is what what follows a hurtful comment from him then there is a problem. After you register your hurt, the phrase “you know I’m joking” means the fact that you are hurting (I assuming you are) is viewed by him as your fault. If this is what is happening , it is abuse, emotional abuse, it will continue and just add to your load. Also this sort of abuse is insidious and will hurt you very deep down.

404 2/14/2020 - 1:51 am

Well the way I see it is even if he doesn’t mean to and he isn’t doing it on purpose doesn’t change the fact that it’s hurting me.

Of course this brings its own problem of I’m dependant on him. I can’t pay bills and get my own job and stuff.

a1957 2/14/2020 - 8:55 pm

Being dependent on him. It may take a while, but that could change.

As for meaning to hurt you, if those comments follow one of these patterns it means something. May I ask? Are they about something you treasure, or what is actually a strength of yours that gets turned upside down, or something unique about you? This idea of someone mocking or trying to undermine your strengths, uniqueness, or valued activities, or other such positives, means something.

The “you know I’m joking” phrase means he would like to have no responsibility for what his words are doing to you. People who do not wish to offend usually learn very quickly what not to do again. If there is a pattern of verbal abuses there is a problem.

Again, you are dependent on him right now, but that could be changing in the future, even if that future is a ways away.

no one 2/14/2020 - 3:53 pm

Honest objectivity from someone who doesn’t know you.

An abusive relationship is one where the victim is literally unable to leave. Threatened or beaten with physical violence. In many countries where women have no rights, this is a real thing. But if you have the freedom to leave, then it’s not “abusive”, it’s “symbiotic”. Meaning you stay because you are gaining something from it. You mentioned that you depend on him for money. That would seem to indicate a conscious choice to accept the sacrifice for the sake of money. Not abusive.

404 2/14/2020 - 4:44 pm

wtf is it with people being a**holes to me. im really starting to f*cking hate this site. but nice to know everything is fine in my life and i should just live with the emotional abuse. when i die i can add a whole lot of people to list of “thanks for f*cking nothing”

no one 2/14/2020 - 5:07 pm

Your emotional reaction to an objective, factual statement says a lot. I don’t know you. I said nothing against you. I just pointed out the definitions of “abusive” versus “symbiotic”. Have fun with your reaction.

404 2/14/2020 - 5:10 pm

“mutually beneficial relationship” there is nothing mutually beneficial in emotional abuse. you really should learn before you talk. you know very little about the situation to say anything at all. and emotional. f*ck off. its called a disorder not that youd know anything about it

no one 2/14/2020 - 5:25 pm

Last time I checked, “f*ck off” doesn’t adhere to “please be kind.” If I said anything rude then point it out. Otherwise I kindly assure you that my advice was purely objective, semantic and rational. Maybe that’s not what you expected.

404 2/14/2020 - 5:30 pm

ok lets both breath. ive been having a really shitty time as im sure youve read considering you pointed out one of my other comments you would also know i have disassociation (unless you skipped that comment then well now you know lol) im fucking fed up with my very quickly deteriorating mental state thats going to put me in a mental hospital permanently. i also have a serious disorder thats basically a mood and personality disorder wrapped up into 1. so starting over….

404 2/14/2020 - 5:33 pm

i view your comment as hurtful. i felt like you were basically saying that nothing is wrong and to just put up with it. (i might have worded that a little wrong. my brain isnt acting right and i cant think lol)

404 2/14/2020 - 5:07 pm

not everyone. some people here are actually pretty cool. but there seems to always be this one person that has this need to comment negatively on my posts and apparently they are missing the whole “PLEASE BE KIND” posted all over this d*mn place. and before anyone says that i should watch myself i would like to point out that if people were a bit nicer on here like they were suppose to be i wouldnt have a reason to be p*ssed off.

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