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This is the first time I post something in the website. I was trying to explain why I’m sad but fuck it, I would need to write a whole book to even start. So I’m just gonna say how I feel. And even that is hard, because I always minimize my pain and I make myself look like I’m overreacting to everything. So I keep things to myself till I fucking blow up to the point that lately I can’t even go out with my friends to have drinks because in the end I end up fighting and yelling at them and feeling shitty the next day. Hating myself and pushing them away because I feel like a fucking burden. But at the same time hating them for not trying hard enough as I would try for them to be okay.
And today I feel like that, like I’m not worthy of anything. Of anyone. I’m even considering leaving my boyfriend, even though he is one of the few people that make me feel happy. But that’s the fucking problem, I feel so happy with him that I don’t think I deserve him and I know he will eventually get tired of me and I don’t want to make him go through all of my breakdowns.
I fantasize with death often, but I make an effort to think that maybe things will get better eventually. But lately I find less reasons to stay here. I think it’s not worth it, just like me.

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djsmith 3/3/2020 - 10:08 pm

If its even possible, to explain how much I relate to this. I just can’t… I also feel if while I try and tell anyone how I feel, everyone will move if with their lives that move in without me. Rendering me alone.. So instead I won’t say anything, and I’ll keep it to myself as much as I can. I don’t want to push anyone away anymore.

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