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Gray sweater

by headupunderdarkcloud

I remember when I was happy, or at least content. I wonder now if that’s forever gone. But I plod on in bland obedience to meet life’s demands and expectations all the same. It’s as though some never-ending grocery shopping list..  Just items someone else has scribbled down, and I read and retrieve without investment nor ceremony.. Very mechanical, making the choices in response to what’s written there to select.. Completing the task of grabbing the carrots, and now on to the cereal isle..

Tonight I stayed sober cause work in the morning, and am grateful for work. It’s one thing to stay accountable for. And though life is wrought with drab automatic and robotic like preparations and performances through a seemingly never-ending to-do list.. Perhaps that’s just what it is for me now. Forever gray sweater. Moments when I eat, catch something funny on a screen, drink on an evening when the next day doesn’t matter, or simply just walking through the woods at night talking to the flora and occasional disinterested deer, small and quick splashes of color. But on a whole it all feels pretty gray.

The more colored in parts just may be done, and that just may be the way it is now. It isn’t necessarily bad. It doesn’t feel good. I’m just uninvested in it suppose. Too exhausted from all the items on the to-do list, to really get up and care all that much. Just automatic, robotic. Doing just enough and recalling when there was more color and more occasional joy. But oh well. I may meet the day with hollowed out expectations, but get up to meet it all the same. Thanks for reading if you did! Night

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BummerBum 2/15/2020 - 1:46 am

Perhaps listening to some sleep meditation videos from youtube or dedicated websites before you fall asleep, as well as maybe starting a dream journal, could maybe shake up your brain a bit and get your mind on a different thought train? There is a lot of power in the subconscious. Nature doesn’t stand still, and science seems to show that when our bodies sit around, they atrophy. How much more for the mind? Perhaps a new hobby, or learning an instrument, or something of the like, could help. Not that the activity itself is useful, but because it’s a time killer, and the more time is killed, the less chance bleak, upsetting thoughts have a chance to damper the mood. And who knows, some fun might be found.

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