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my friend, any advice?

by DOA

hahaha so i have noooo idea what to do with him. we can go back to my other post for a minute about him having a gf and how im not the happiest about it but ill accept it. ok that mentioned lets go into a few other things.

first about the gf but a different problem. like i said ill accept him having a gf but this problem is a bit harder to accept especially since hes already showing signs of it and he doesnt even have one yet. i have abandonment issues. he knows this. he also knows i lost my last bff to a bf and her and i have rarely talked since and this was like 5-6 years ago. im TERRIFIED im going to lose him so my brain is like “go into defense mode. detach yourself from him before its too late and you get hurt.”

but then theres another problem. he has depression and anxiety. hes trying to change himself so he can “get better” and the other day he came to me looking for approval to do something his anxiety was telling him no about. im literally his only bestest friend thingy. like there are topics and things about him that literally im the only one in the world that knows. he feels safe telling me anything. and all of that makes me feel like i should stay around and suffer so he can have a chance to “get better”. not only this but he has told me on many occasions that if i were gone he would do nothing but worry about me and him knowing my mental condition doesnt help. we talked in school and stuff but when i moved out and got kicked out of school i didnt talk to him for 3 years i think. he said he thought about me and worried a lot because even back then he knew i was….lets just say wasnt quite right. he knew i thought about suicide and that i cut and had a tendency to hit my head of the wall. like duh of course he worried. and now my condition is worse then it was back then i can only imagine how much he would worry now if i was to go. especially considering the suicide scare (We will call it) back in……i wanna say november but dont quote me. and ive been watching a lot of videos about death and i picked out an urn…..yeah if i was him i wouldnt let me out of my site hehehe.

i dont want to go i just feel like i have to. like id be a hindrance to his relationship but he said it would be fine and that he would just explain that im a mentally unstable friend and if she cant accept that its her problem (he said that (but i paraphrased) so i did talk to him about it a little but i didnt mention the last big paragraph that i have posted here (rereading it i didnt tell him about the abandonment thing either or i at least didnt go into much detail about it. i dont remember) because i dont want him to feel bad). but i mean at the same time i feel like i have to stay and be his emotional support as im the only person he has plus hes been my emotional support since the beginning. before i even knew he was there for me, he was there for me. he put up with my cheating because he saw something wrong. he knew i wasnt just being a b*tch. not only did he put up with my cheating but while i was off with other guys he was asking his mom if i could move in (and his mom said yes) because, like i said, he saw something was wrong. but i walked out before he could tell me. i couldnt handle my cheating anymore. he deserved better and better wasnt me.

point is i have no idea what to do and i honestly cant see me emotionally feeling good for different reasons if i stay or go. what would you do? stay or go? and why?


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a1957 2/22/2020 - 6:09 pm

This is well written. I relate to your story and concerns. I had two female friends when I proposed to my wife. She met and liked one of them while we were courting. Still does like her. The other lady she has never met and doesn’t like based on what I told about her. Here we are 15 years and a suicide scare later still married and I still have my two friends. Friends is friends is the way we all see it.

I am not surprised to read you are terrified of abandonment. Well I mean, it sounds like he doesn’t just let just anybody be his friend. You are one damn special lady to be what you are to him. Depending on how he handles his gf relationship, he might need some “honeymoon” time with her , but with you being the only one he trusts with his innermost secrets that sounds like one helluva bond and a gf isn’t too likely to break it.

404 2/23/2020 - 9:52 am

im thinking ill just kinda drift away and leave it to him to contact me. that way im there but not. might as well the last few days he just kinda “disappeared” for hours. i figured out why he stopped talking to me but the point is he use to tell me “hey im doing…whatever” but idk whatever i guess

a1957 2/23/2020 - 7:38 pm

That seems reasonable to me.

404 2/24/2020 - 12:41 am

but how can one walk away from the only person theyve ever poured their heart out to when they felt alone crying. the only person thats been there since the beginning. he knows everything about me and i know everything about him……now i have to walk away? it hurts….and he knows it kills me inside (i might have had a drink and be listening to break up songs)

a1957 2/24/2020 - 9:40 pm

This is painful. It does hurt. There is intimacy in that kind of knowing. In an ideal setting, perhaps you and he would be an exclusive, but evidently some things get in the way. For what it is worth, for me, it was like so with my friends.
In no way was the timing ever right for me and either of my female friends to be exclusive with me or even have constant access to me out of consideration for my wife, a husband of one friend, a fierce need for independence in the other friend, etc etc. Yet we all know at some level what could have been, but never will be, and on top of that, the friendships have to endure long periods of little contact. Yes it hurts. It does.

404 2/25/2020 - 1:55 pm

I just found a small problem. What do I say if he askes about my distance?

404 2/25/2020 - 6:29 pm

🙁 🙁 I want to message him. we haven’t talked in almost 48hrs.

a1957 2/26/2020 - 10:11 pm

“I just found a small problem. What do I say if he askes about my distance?”

If you liked, after telling him how nice it is to hear from him, you could say you wanted to make sure you gave him the space he needs to take care of his gf relationship.

a1957 2/26/2020 - 10:19 pm

“I want to message him. we haven’t talked in almost 48hrs.”

No doubt, this is not easy. But I hear something good in it. The parts of you that suffer abandonment issues are evidently able to know that he needs you as a friend and her as gf. Text or no text, call or no call, some part of you knows he cares and thinks about you. My bet is, he thinks about you quite often.

404 2/27/2020 - 10:19 am

i gave an update about that in my post “this helped me”. sadly to sum it up i basically got hurt by the one person that had all of my trust.

mayhem1 2/24/2020 - 10:45 pm

you will find as you go through life that many close friendships/relationships will end for whatever reason. it will hurt for a while but you’ll get over it and find new people eventually.

be mindful not to lead people on if you are unsure about them, because playing with their emotions isn’t fair to them and everyone deserves someone who will love them wholeheartedly without cheating or fear of abandonment. the same goes for you – you deserve to love and be loved by a person who chooses you alone and works at making at happy while you do the same for them.

in my experience if you ‘romantically love’ more than one person at a time none of them are right for you. maybe polyamorous couples would disagree, but they are rare compared to the general population.

love is also a choice, so when we start to develop a crush on someone with whom we know it won’t work out, or if the other person expresses interest in us, it is better for us to walk away without trying to be platonic friends or keep them in our life. i say this because there are so many stories of affairs that begin because the two people *could* have stayed away from each other, but chose not to. these affairs usually end in tears and drama anyway so why not save yourself the pain before it happens, right?

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