I cant keep my shit together, and I need to be the Jesus Christ of having my shit together right now. My life is falling apart. I’m working a shit job, and I get treated with zero fucking respect by my coworkers and customers (yeah yeah, I know, welcome to capitalism). I have no chance at getting the help I need for my mind or body. I’m addicted to self harm and my body is destroyed. I’m going to college, and I’m falling behind because I’m never doing enough. I have only one friend and he’s sick of me, but he won’t tell me to leave. I ruin fucking everything in my life. I have no family. I have nothing. There’s no escape, and every time I pick myself up, I just fall down again, so what the fuck is the point? I can barely get myself to my fucking knees anymore, and I’ve got no chance of meaningfully standing on my own. What the hell am I supposed to do?
I always try to DIY help myself with finding some information online, but there’s nothing fucking useful. Just “don’t kill yourself because your mom would be sad” or “stay alive and it will get better tomorrow”, and neither of these are true. My mom fucking raped me. ***** damn well doesn’t give a shit if I drop dead or not. Nothing’s changing by tomorrow. Even if I get a rush of serotonin, I just get too happy and I’m too much to deal with. I’m always too much. I’m never what I need to be, and I know I never will be. Too much Too much Too much Too much Too much Too much Too much Too much Too much Too much Too much Too much.
I wish I’d just fucking drop dead.