yet i’m still keeping myself alive for the abusers, for the ones unaware of their deed and the ones i love with every last piece of sanity left in me. i know the suicide note is going to include something like “please don’t blame anyone, it’s not your fault”
but it is.
but i can’t talk about it, but i can’t mention it a bit because i want them to be happy.
but to keep them happy i shouldn’t end my life at all.
but i think i also deserve to rest, no matter how selfish, how stupid i am, no matter how much i deserve this, i desperately need an escape
but there won’t be one.
if i’m alive i’m going to irritate and hurt them if i die i’m going to ruin this family. i’m doing terrible things either way. my birth is doomed to ruin them either way and i hate that for myself, i do, i do. i love them but i hate the things they’ve done, the things they’re so unaware of, how they ignored my cry for help when i had the last bit of courage to make things better, the words they said, the sound and the memories carved into flesh that just won’t heal no matter what. i’ve tried to make things better, but they always wanted a different person, i’ve tried to turn myself into someone else, i’ve tried to stop talking, stop the conflicts from happening, stop the things that’ll trigger the condition, but no matter what i do i just can’t seem to avoid it. every part of me is constantly in pain, i tried to run away from it, i tried to forget about it, the traumas and restless nights, thinking about suicide 50 times a day, feeling like my head is so full it’s about to explode. it’s almost funny because before i was sure that i’m depressed i thought everyone had to fight these demons, but no, there’re actual families that are functional and non-toxic. people are actually able to live under the sun and feel genuine joy and go on chitchat for hours without the thoughts popping up every 5 seconds, it’s actually possible for people to be happy without any consequences.
lol, guess i was wrong?
writing about it really helps, i do feel a bit lighter. i might be running a fever, just a little, or is it just a simple cold? i don’t know but it’s actually comforting being sick, i usually get cold chills when i struggle under these episodes, but today i’m all warm and that really helped.
my first post on this site was about how much i want to try a pop tart, filled with swear words, with almost no punctuations. it was funny to look back at the time where i was actually…kind of ok? it’s weird watching how quickly everything worsened, but the thing is, my guy, i still didn’t get that pop tart >:0