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never felt more worthless

by evianwatre

how many times will it take for me to completely burn out? my head is going black every 5 seconds, and it’s so easy to just freeze in one spot for minutes without realizing. i’m trying to distract myself, but i have to do the work. the words on paper seem to be becoming thinner, the the white of the document peaks through from the letters, almost hurting my eyes. i can read the words but it take minutes for me to interoperate what i’ve been reading, i can’t put a sentence together

i’m so tired, i’d die to take a nap right now, but i can’t. i know that i wont be able to(i forgot what i want to write about)

i need some rest.

i need to finish my work, 4 paragraphs more, at least 3, i won’t be getting more than 2 hours of sleep, in class essay tomorrow, i’ll have to prepare for that.

i can’t concentrate on anything. my head hasnt been clear in months. i don’t know what i’m supposed to do, to secure a bright future but the only version of that i don’t see myself in it. i think you know what i mean, i’m too tired to fix the structure.

distractions distractions distractions, i thought about strangling a bit more, but i feel too weak, tired, powerless of my own body i can’t even get down the bed.

my body is so heavy.

should i just not do my part of the work and sleep? avoid it some more and make people hate me more? constant flashbacks to the past, as recent as 1 year ago, still feels so strange.

but i can’t recognize my state of mind

i’ve never felt more worthless, i’ve never hated myself more, yet i’m powerless against myself and this life that’s forced to go on in front of my eyes. the flashbacks of the past and my own voice won’t leave me alone, and i know, even if i reach out, that nobody is going save me from myself.

because the definition of that phrase for me is to end your own life.

how many thoughts regarding suicide in detail is healthy for one to have in a day? i kept whispering to myself how much of a piece of shit i am, that actually makes me feel better. masochonistic enough to put up with everything yet i still care about the people around me enough to trap my consciousness on earth.l had a note app that i used to record things, but recently the app stopped working, i’ve been writing my will on their for a while, and my way of seeing towards the world and my past. gone, i guess, they aren’t worth much either. i’ve been dealing with loss pretty well

or i’m numb enough to see that not as a worry, who cares. i love you

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