a secret

what is it like to be loved?i wouldn’t know. escapism has gone so far where i don’t think i can face the truth, that i’m still alive, in the world. i’m still all alone. nobody’s there to listen, nobody’s there to love me, nobody knows this side except for myself, and i hate myself for it.

i hate myself, oh my god i hate myself with every single cell in my body. the depressive episode ended and being alive has been a numb, grey process of eating, sleeping, playing games, and more, the things i hate myself for. i can’t release the shadows, i can’t feel anything positive, or even negative, to an extent, low libido, low energy. i am not trying to diagnose myself of hypersomnia, but i’m suffering under some, if not many, symptoms of it. i’m so terrified of doing anything to my family, the guilt of being born is driving me insane, but if i leave i would hurt them and if stay i would hurt them even more. i know they love me, they’re the only ones on earth that care about me, yet the memories, the past, what they have done, i can’t go on, i can’t move past it, yet they’ll never know, they won’t ever hear it and they’ll never feel the way i do. i don’t want them to love me anymore, i don’t deserve it. i’m not in the place to talk about any of this stupid little boo hoo im upset stories, while some people has been through much worse and are still happy.

“hey.”

“what?”

“i don’t think i can feel happy anymore.”

“is that a good thing?”she asks.

i’m tired of changing who i am for people around me, yet i always have to change, all the time, i still do. if i want them to be happy i’ll have to become another, completely different person. who knows if they love me for who i am? they don’t know who i am, i don’t know who i am.

“i don’t know.”i answered her, the freezing chill of the spring wind travelled through the thin sleeves to my arms, then to the rest of my body, and i realized that i was wrong about how everybody felt the same.

i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry. the apologies won’t ever reach them. i know what i’m apologizing for, but they don’t. maybe it’s time, maybe i should just say fuck it, forget about the aftermath and leave. i can’t see myself growing old, i can’t see myself in a healthy relationship. i push people out yet i complain that i’m alone, god i’m so fucking stupid. i don’t see myself living that long, i don’t see myself going into post secondary because i feel like i would be gone by then, but now that i see it, it’s almost like i have to keep myself alive for longer. i don’t see myself, i can’t see myself in the future.

i wish i could disappear completely, so that i forget about the fact that i’ve existed, i shouldn’t have an impact on anyone around me, or please, at least make me invisible on earth. everything is grey, i smile, i tell myself “this must be happiness, this have to be”, but i don’t know, i feel the need to smile, but there’s nothing, there’s nothing at the bottom of it. despite of the low..libido, i try to feel something physically, almost as if i’m doing… it medically. there’s nothing positive, not even that. in the end i’m still all alone, dirty, pathetic, all alone in the dimly lit room, trying to tell myself that things are going to fix themselves. i can’t move on when all i can think about is how to live for another month, the aftermath of my death and the reactions of my loved ones. i’m scared out of nothing, self isolation did nothing to me, honestly it helped the anxiety to go down, it’s almost like i want another depressive episode, just so i can cry it out. i don’t deserve it, but i have to release it somehow from myself, right now, in this state, i can’t even cry.there’s nothing, no satisfaction, slight gratefulness when i receive something i used to want, and then the guilt. why should i own this when there are people out there that are dying and need the money? while i’m here ordering things that won’t even make me happy. someone should take my place, someone that can make a better life out of this, someone more likable, someone that is capable of being human. is there anything about myself that i want to keep? i asked myself that question, i can’t change who i am, and it’s all my fault, the only option is to stay a coward and end this for the better, yet i can’t, it’s too selfish, but i can’t wait that long, i can’t live like this any longer.

sorry.