I feel like this year has broken me. First there was the suicide that I had mentioned earlier. Now, due to the coronavirus pandemic, school is cancelled and I’m certain I’ll never see my friends again who are seniors because I have no money to see them except when they are at school. I’ve sunken into a deep depression and just lay down crying and staring at the ceiling while staying home and cannot resist the urge to cut. I don’t want to self harm but I am so sick of people leaving in my life without me having a chance to say goodbye. So many people have died or disowned me and I feel like something inside me is fundamentally broken at this point. I don’t know how to let people in again when I know how easy it is to lose them. I don’t know how to function. I want to self harm so badly but I’ve been clean for a few weeks. I dont know what to do. There’s so much pain inside of me. I wish goodbyes didn’t occur. I wish people cared enough about me to return for me. I wish I wish I wish but I am powerless to do anything. I am not worth returning to.
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2 comments
I’m usually better at advice but not at the moment… I will say this, we want people to care about us to receive some sort of affection or proof of friendship of any kind, which of course we do. We’re human. But, what we really need is to want to care about ourselves enough. We need to believe we are enough to continue. To strive forward and experience life. I don’t know you but I know you are “worth returning to.” Your words prove this. You sound like someone who has a lot of love to give. There are people who have not yet entered your life who you are waiting for. It’s up to you to fight for that. All you can do is do your best. Not let the darkness take over. You sound you’ve haven’t been dealt the greatest hand in life but it’s not over for you yet. Please keep going.
Thank you! This legitimately made me cry 🙂