Long rant(?) ahead. I don’t think I’m gonna make sense anyway. You might want to argue with my thoughts in the replies too but please don’t. I just need to say the terrible stuffs I am gonna say. To get it off my chest.
1. I’m just a bad person. My depression sometimes take away my love for my partner and I couldn’t tell him that sometimes I don’t feel like I love him that much so I would lie to not hurt him. Knowing that, I need him to be around so I’m keeping him. But sometimes it feels selfish. I’ll never be that One True Love material for him. Sometimes I don’t tell him the most truths to not start a fight with so I’m just hiding. Hiding parts of myself. Hiding my thoughts that he might find disagreeable with. I’m just the worst and he don’t even know that. No matter how hard I try to be better, it will never be good enough for myself. So I’ll never even feel better anyways. I don’t know why I try. I don’t deserve this guy. There’s definitely better women out there that would fit his criteria. I just don’t and might fuck up things again like I did. And hurt him. I keep telling him there’s better people but .. he won’t have it. I don’t know why it’s me that he wants.
2. My heart is so rotten that it hurts seeing people being happy. I can’t see rich people enjoying life, partying, being pretty, travelling places, having privilege I don’t. There was a time when I can’t even stand seeing my friends being happy with their partners because it hurts my insides. Because I’m a rotten person that I’m allergic to displays of a good life. Because mine is in shatters, probably. In my best efforts, I mute these people on social media so I don’t have to see them, so I have no chance to harass them. But it still feels terrible that I feel like that in the first place. And for not trying or wanting to fix myself and want to continue being a loser, I’m just a suck-ish person.
3. I have selective empathy. If you’re rich, privileged, could afford healthcare, could afford expensive drinks and partying every weekend, doing drugs or what else, I don’t feel sorry for you having bad mental health regardless of whether it was initiated by the substance you took or your childhood. I just can’t. I try but.. I don’t.. ah. If you could get help, go the fuck there. It doesn’t help that some of you rich fucks are that entitled to people calling your father’s names with honorary titles “cause he worked hard for it.” No. Nope. It flew out the fucking window. Empathy non-existent. But yeah, because I wouldn’t want to be harassing you, you’re muted from my social media too. Because my immature ass just cannot.
4. I just feel so guilty to live sometimes. To be existing and contributing nothing. Just taking what people give. Maybe giving back even less. I’m wasting resources as I speak. Someone needs this body more than me. Someone else would kill to have my body, my face, my organs maybe. Take it. I don’t want it. I don’t want to live. I don’t deserve this life. There is nothing I did to earn it. And what’s worse is if I’m rich I might’ve been someone I myself loathe. That is the whole problem. No matter what I am, I loathe myself. I’ll never ever be good enough anyways. To anyone. To myself. Even my friends are annoyed with me. They just didn’t say it to my face. I feel sorry they even get to know me. Like yeah. I’m a terrible friend. I will inevitably hurt you. I don’t know any friend I had that wasn’t hurt by what I said. Fuck I don’t deserve you. And I don’t deserve to exist.
5. I still think about my stupid exes. Like if I could, choose between death or thinking about my exes, I would choose the former. I don’t get why am I so fucking dumb. My ex were assholes. Like yeah there were good parts about them. BUT THEY WERE ASSHOLES. One wanted me as a babymaker while he goes off to the other end of the world to work. Wanted me to suffer taking care of our 3 children alone having seen this stuff happen to his own mum. He saw his mum struggled and dude wanted me to lead the same life she did. And the one my mum did that made her gave birth to me and sometimes resent or regret her own fucking children. I have mental illness and my mum was abusive like yes, ideally I would make a great mum but in reality I just fucking can’t. I’m a terrible person. I might end up abusing my children too. I’d rather not have that chance. And not have kids.
6. This ex. I loved her (maybe because I’m so angry at her now, I didn’t really BUT I DON’T FUCKING KNOW. I DON’T KNOW MY OWN EMOTIONS OR FEELINGS BUT GOD I can’t wish her happiness) she treated me like trash. I would’ve listed all the ways she done me wrong and to be fair she could do the same. Maybe I wasn’t the greatest lover too. But it sucks to be used. Being called a “victim” even jokingly. I was your girlfriend. And you wanted to replace me so easily. Not even before we broke up. Which you can’t even do. You can’t call us off CAUSE YOU’RE A DUMBASS *****. After ghosting me, making me worry about you living or being dead with your suicidality. Openly admitting on your ig post that you use me as an “accessory, to feel warm with when deep down I feel nothing”. That I thought it’s okay that you use me to feel better. Like it’s not enough that my self worth you don’t honour. I think you lied when you say you love me. And made me believe it. You made me fucking believe that you loved me. And what’s worse about this all is that I want the toxicity to happen again with my current relationship. I just want a confirmation that I’m no good at this stuff because I can’t get over the fact that I tried to save us. And it was for nothing. You said you want to pass me to my partner like I’m a fucking baton. Like I’m not human. I was just a thing to you. I just. I don’t know how to forgive or wish you happiness. I don’t find it in my heart to. Sometimes I hear your voice and your laughter in the back of my head. And it makes me want to die. Are you happy that you fucked me up? Is this what you want?
It would be good to die and not have to deal with all these conflicting thoughts in my head. I cant do life. I deserve death.
4 comments
Well this probably won’t matter to you, but i don’t think you’re such a bad person, those fucks that have it easier than you, why should you have empathy for them? I mean if you were doing great in life and had everything then you would be a bad person for not being kinder or better, I’m not trying to justify you it’s just i understand you and i feel the burden and the pain. To be honest i think you should focus on getting better also allow yourself to be selfish, if you want you can break up with your current partner, be as kind as possible but do what you have to do… And trust me you can get better, I’ve been through a similar situation, just stop blaming yourself about everything, yeah maybe you were bad but so what, just try and be better for yourself after that you’ll think of others. I’m sending lots of love… Also my previous girlfriend fucked me up pretty bad too.. But that’s hers and I’m focusing on the “mine” im trying to be better and it works a bit by bit.
Hey, I just want to thank you for saying that. This post was an accumulation of my disappointment in myself since forever. But yeah, you’re right, I should focus on myself more.
I’d been struggling to not not care of people that used to matter. It’s not like those thoughts serve me but wow, wallowing in self doubt and sadness is, a past time. Despite an unhealthy one.
Your words matter to me. I thank you for saying it.
Thank you a lot for saying this too, it helps a lot, having a useful and nice conversation with a stranger is really valuable and rare, I have respect for you even though I do not know you, I hope you and I will have some better days in the future and overcome all of our burdens, sending love to you. ?
We sure will. Don’t forget to take care of yourself too ^_^.