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everything hurts

by NumbExhaustion

idk whats wrong with me. no matter what i do nothing is good enough. I have a d in calc and im questioning gender again and march 15 is coming up. i planned to die two years ago on that day and fuck. everything hurts and i wanna relapse and i’ve lost all motivation to stay clean or do anything and fuck. i just want everything to be over.


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404 3/3/2020 - 4:53 am

I kinda get the gender problem. I’ve questioned that myself. Of course what’s one suppose to think when their “father” (turned out he was my step) had me fixing cars and using punching bags, while my mother braided my hair and painted my nails. Of course theres also the fact that I’m tired with guys treating me like a piece of meat. But I pushed the idea out of my mind because I’m scared of surgery. Typically if you cut someone open they shouldn’t live eeeeee.

404 3/3/2020 - 6:31 am

I’ve skimmed some of your other posts. You seem young. You dont think you’re just caught up in this whole “I’m a “whatever” so treat me this way” thing do you? That probably came off poorly but idk how else to word it. Sorry I dont mean to offend you I’m just honestly asking if others are influencing you and its causing you to be confused. Idk if you’ve watched it but south park actually shows this really well. A couple of them pretend to be transgender to get special privileges and it caused one of the other kids to be confused about who they were.

Cause of Death: Suicide 3/3/2020 - 6:40 am

I saw an episode of South Park about conversion therapy and homosexuals, where Chef played one of his larger role and then the voice actor of Chef died after that episode… so I always wonder , you know, the details of how he died.. if that was his last episode.. just seems too uncanny!! Maybe the homosexuals were really really offended by his part!! I don’t know though, I’d have to rewatch the episode to get the low down.

NumbExhaustion 9/8/2020 - 8:50 am

I haven’t seen southpark. Idk. I’m currently 18. so young is relative?

Cause of Death: Suicide 3/3/2020 - 6:42 am

I planned to die 7.5 years ago. I don’t know why I’m still alive really.. just aimlessly floating … nothing to see, nothing to think, nothing positive around .. just crap

Cause of Death: Suicide 3/3/2020 - 6:52 am

I was also going to say I commented on your post from Sep 2018… I’ve always kind of been phobic about claiming myself as trans, towards myself, not towards others – yet, I suppose, the fact alone that I dress in male clothing, has made me open my eyes lately…. one day I was thinking, why the hell do I dress in men’s clothing, does that make me trans? Holy crap I’m disgusting. Lol. I guess that’s all it takes to be transgender, but I don’t know everything about it. I do want to change my name though and of course something masculine because I want to rid of my old identity completely sometimes… so I’m like “AM I TRANSGENDER?!?!?” Lol. I guess I am Transexual for sure, so it is kind of an occasion for me, as an internal outing.

404 3/3/2020 - 7:41 am

What you wear (depending on what it is) doesn’t make you trans. I wear men’s clothing and guess what I’m not. Although by your logic I guess I am. Funny whoda thunk it cuz I love guys.

NumbExhaustion 9/8/2020 - 8:51 am

oh yea. I think I remember you. I feel

MissDysphoria 3/3/2020 - 12:22 pm

Well I feel you are what you feel you are. And sure that can change. Doesn’t really matter what you are wearing unless thats part of the idea. Idk but my bf is Trans and it’s all kind new to me but it’s cool

NumbExhaustion 9/8/2020 - 8:51 am

thanks. i appreciate it

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