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I hate my parents for ignoring my mental problems.

by kayto

When I was young and did bad on a school assignment or quiz my parents punished and yelled me instead of thinking there was something wrong with me. Now I didn’t just do bad every now and then, for example I would get a failing grade on an open read quiz because I just couldn’t focus on reading. It’s been this way for as long as I can remember with school work being complete hell my whole life. I am now in my senior year of highschool, and I figured out on my own last year that I have adhd. I found out that I share a lot of if not all traits of adhd. Last year I had to force my parents to take me to the doctor to talk about it, but the doctor said I couldn’t get a prescription for adhd medicine like aderall or vyvanse because at the time I wasn’t failing any classes (although I was very much struggling), and because it’s usually prescribed at a younger age so they think I’m just gonna deal it. The doctor ended up giving me these student evaluation forms that my teachers would fill out about me but that never really went anywhere. Last semester of this school year I failed 2 classes and I was yelled at to the point of where I was crying uncontrollably, I couldn’t really counter argue or defend myself in the argument due to not being able to talk through the tears and just being completely enraged. My parents think I’m just not trying and they punish me for something I can’t help. If I was back at the time of the argument where my father had said something along the lines of “You fail because you’re not trying” I would hit him very hard and from then I don’t think I’d be able to control my actions, considering my father also has raised me to not express anger, so I bottle it up and it usually comes out very violently when I finally crack, but that’s a whole different story. It’s so insanely hard to do schoolwork and right now I’m supposed to be doing over 5 assignments that were due 2 hours and 31 minutes ago. It’s just a constant loop of feeling inadequate, guilty, and like a failure since my parents always yell at me when I don’t/can’t do work. The stress is so immeasurable at this point, this has been going on for so long but this year has been the worst with work. My parents keep pushing me and saying “the years almost over just finish the work”. I absolutely despise both of them. That’s what they have told me my whole life, “Just do the work”. I can’t just fucking “do the work” when even if I manage to focus I feel like I’m going insane from the mental fatigue of it. I can’t even enjoy the things I like doing anymore because I know I’m not caught up on schoolwork so I feel guilty and that I’m slacking off instead of working, but I can’t. I just fucking can’t work. I wait until after the very last second and when that time comes I’m driven to insanity from the pile up of work. My problem may not sound that bad to the point of suicide since to an average person “it’s just schoolwork” but for me it’s clearly not just that. I feel guilty just from seeing or hearing about people doing schoolwork, just because I know that’s what I should be doing but I feel as if I choose not to.

If I end up making it to the end of this school year, I plan on moving out and ghosting my family. I would’ve tried the helium method a while back except for the fact it needs to be 100% helium, and I don’t know how I would obtain that since party city helium is far from high quality. I’m not expecting anyone to read this whole thing, but if someone does, don’t comment any supportive shit or try to steer me away from suicide. I can promise your sappy reply won’t change my opinion at all, it will just piss me off. If anything I would like to know what gasses are easily obtainable that I could use for suicide. I don’t want to shoot myself or jump, I just don’t trust the painless part of it, also mainly because it’s a big mess to clean up for someone else. I can’t find any peaceful painless clean suicide methods so if anyone has methods please share.

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7 comments

Soda 3/27/2020 - 1:35 am

Sorry about your learning disability and your parents not understanding nor helping you. Your situation is not unique, I know a relative who was in similar situation. Eventually however he managed to get through school and is doing well now.

Do keep in mind there are many jobs/careers that don’t require you to know how to type up essays. Construction, truck driving, trades, all pay really well.

As for suicide, don’t worry I’m neutral and I believe it’s an individual’s choice. I have my own reasons to “go” as well but I’ve stuck around for family and the hope that my life will get better. Plus we all have expiry dates anyways, so it can’t be avoided. If things don’t get better for me then I won’t suffer through it needlessly.

kayto 3/30/2020 - 5:38 pm

Thanks for the reply. Funnily enough when I mentioned construction work my parents said to not get into it because “I’m better than that”, clearly they’re delusional if they think I can handle everyday constant mental work. I’m probably going to do construction or any manual labor anyway.

Soda 3/31/2020 - 12:15 am

You’re welcome. You know yourself way better than your parents. It’s like trying to plug a square peg into a round hole. Some of us were not meant to be astronauts or professors, but there are plenty of other places we’d fit right in.

There’s no shame in doing blue collar work. In fact sometimes they do better financially than white collar guys. I’m in a white-collar field and you get worked like a dog, it’s very stressful and your job’s on the line and the pay’s shit.

Fortunately I’m educated in another field which will be very rewarding for me, but it’s just difficult to switch right now but hoping to do it soon.

I’m glad to hear that you have thought about other career opportunities. Just get through school, do what’s necessary and then you can work in trades or construction and you’ll feel a lot better too.

Cause of Death: Suicide 3/27/2020 - 4:38 am

I hoped to leave and ghost my family after high school too, I thought I would never be able to survive unless I stayed as far away from them as possible – but after a few years of mostly that (about 5 years) I started getting stalked & raped and the police stole everything from me. I always had a feeling everyone was out to hurt me because of their own mental and intellectual disturbances since I was a small child. Now my life has no meaning for the last 4 years, and I’ve been on the edge between committing the last 4 years. A lot of me hopes I can commit, but I do wonder if I can call it murder at this point should I commit,

kayto 3/30/2020 - 6:17 pm

Sounds like you’ve been through too much, I honestly do feel sorry for you 🙁

While I don’t know what it’s like to be stalked or raped, I know what it’s like to feel helpless. I’m hoping you don’t have problems with any of those things anymore. I’m not gonna type out some optimistic bs and say “it’s going to get better” like other people around you might have, because I don’t know you or your situation well enough, but if you do continue to have these problems I would try to figure something out to prevent them from happening again. I know you might have heard that thousands of times but it’s hard to want a solution other than giving up when you’re depressed. It’s really not fair because you sound innocent and like you’re the victim of everyone’s negative emotions around you. If you don’t already stay inside all day I wouldn’t blame you considering what you’ve been through, so long as you’re still too scared of other people due to those experiences and any other tragic ones you may have had. You’re also not the only one if you struggle with loneliness, I’m terrible when talking to people so conversations never go anywhere. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong but whenever I text people they always end up leaving me on read/not responding, so when I get lonely I distract myself with games, food, anime, and anything left that can trigger dopamine in my head. Eventually you should go out every once and a while little by little so you can feel comfortable with society if you need to. Sorry for the rant. I’m not some therapist or psychologist or anything so my advice might actually be complete trash but I just wanted to help in someway.

hope432 3/29/2020 - 10:00 am

Hello,

It’s amazing but I somehow survived school time when I was a teen. I thought everything is important like doing your essay, do your homework, socialize with others even if you suffer from social anxiety and you feel dread around them. NO, it’s not so important. We always think everything is very important in life when we are younger because adults tell us it is and because we feel very small.

Trust me, you just need to finish school and then you may go to university if you like or just find a decent job. What you desperately need is to keep your sanity, relax more, perhaps even make 1 friend, play a nice video game and avoid negative energy at all costs. Don’t blame yourself. If it’s your parent’s fault, you should not feel guily. Try to pay them some respect nonetheless as it will help you in life. Stay strong and healthy.

kayto 3/30/2020 - 5:30 pm

Thanks, I’m gonna take your advice and treat my family like human beings and not be disrespectful, although I don’t think I’m going to treat them like family because as conceited as this may sound I don’t think they deserve my affection considering this whole situation.

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