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im tired, so tired

by djsmith

me ranting about stupid shit…

Ever since I was a child I’ve been an overthinker on the stupidest shit. Even now I can’t have one argument with a friend, or something without thinking about it the whole day and it being stuck in the back of my mind. It effects my day to day life because it progressively gets worse throughout my life. I can’t even take a simple compliment without thinking if they really meant it or not. Now I have horrible insecurities about my body and personality. Moving on, I’m currently almost failing three of my classes and as a previous honor roll student I’m letting everyone in my family down. My parents think I don’t care and that I’m unbothered and not trying to fix it in anyway. But in reality this is tearing me apart. I feel as if I have no one to talk to seeing as my old counselor has stopped seeing me. My parents are Caribbean, and always talk about how much they have sacrificed to be here and raise my sibling right and shit. As much as they think their words don’t bother me its the worst feeling in the world disappointing them. My father has mentioned before that all he wants to live for is to see me graduate and he will be fulfilled. They most fucked up part about it is that in 10 years all I can think of is a empty slate. I can’t imagine a world where I’m succeeding in life. It feels like no matter what I do, or matter how hard I try it feels like its never good enough for anyone.

I keep messing up. I keep failing shit.

My life has been doing a downward spiral, and its hard to act like the unbothered daughter, or the hilarious friend, or the amazing student. I don’t want to keep trying anymore, its draining the life out of me. At least when I had the counselor, I could rant to them and it improved my metal state, but now I can’t do that. My mother thinks that I’m getting bad grades to spite her and that I’m doing this all on purpose. She’s teacher so I guess she expects more out of me. I try and rant to my mom and tell her how I feel about things but no matter what I do she soomehow finds a way to make it my fault. I’m tired of living, or trying so hard for a future I don’t even see myself in. My parents are starting to realize that I don’t really believe in their religion anymore, and that I’m bi. But when they do finally find out their are gonna be mad as shittt. My serects are unraveling and I don’t know how to handle it. 

I know I don’t have half as serious stories or rants like most the people here, but its nice to type it out once in a while.

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