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life’s been a b****, but i’m the alpha i guess

by jmc22

Hey,

It’s been a while since I’ve been on this website and I guess that’s a good thing. To be honest I remembered that I had posts on this site while procrastinating my math hw and decided to come back on and read all of them . It was difficult, I’m not gonna lie. Some of the things I still agree with, but I also realized that I really was an angsty preteen who couldn’t handle her hormones.

So if you’re ready to sit down and listen to a young girl’s soul-searching journey then please keep on reading.

  1. In my past posts I always talked about my mom as an antagonist. She blamed my dad for everything without realizing her own faults. She picked out flaws on purpose. But I never cared enough to understand her own perspective. After meeting my dad only once and marrying him, she was brought to America with promises of a picket fence house and a new life, but instead got hate and negativity. She was the youngest of the family and the apple of my grandpa’s eye so she had never worked a day in her life, but now she had to work from dusk til dawn even while pregnant because my dad’s parents couldn’t get by on my dad’s salary alone. It was the typical evil, asian in-laws you would see in a Korean drama. She didn’t know anyone; she didn’t know any English. She was alone and had to stay with the man who she despised. I’ve cried a lot thinking about my mom.
  2. My dad is a strange man. He’s never matured. I don’t know if that’s because he was brought to America young and never got to live out his youth properly before his older siblings basically ruined his credit and stole his house. He can’t hold a conversation even for important things like filing taxes with my mom or even look at her so he just stares at his computer and ignores her when she comes into his room. He impulsively buys things for himself. He told me he has depression. I don’t know how to help him. I knew how he felt, but no words would come out of my mouth even long after he left my room back to his. I’ve cried a lot thinking about my dad.
  3. High school was rough, tough stuff. BUT not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. If you happen to stumble across my old post from the summer before 9th grade, it’s full of anxiety and bad vibes, but I want to let my old self know that she’ll get through it. I’m a senior now, and I’m not proud of my high school self, but I can accept her. I realized by junior year that everyone is going through the same things. No one has their life together and in fact, no one knows where their life is headed. BECAUSE WE’RE HIGH SCHOOLERS. I’ve made so many mistakes, I’ve shed so many tears, I’ve made and lost friends, but hey, I’m graduating in 3 months.
  4. I’ve finally found my group of friends during my senior year. I met 2 of them in freshman year, 1 in junior year, and the remaining 3 in senior year. Before I had stuck with my friends from elementary school, but I can proudly say that they are my best friends. I can talk about anything with them. I can do anything with them. When they’re sad I’m sad. When I’m sad, they talk to me and listen to me. I’m so thankful that I found them before I graduated. Even though I wish we all could’ve met earlier, who knows if we would’ve even been friends back then. And even so, I’ve made irreplaceable memories with them and that’s all that matters.
  5. Speaking of best friends, I think I found my platonic soulmate. She’s great. She’s everything I would want in a friend. Never have I clicked so fast with a person. Never have I spoken my entire life story and cried about my family to them. Never have I had someone do the same back within seconds. I’m so thankful for her. Sometimes I’ll admit, I get anxious that it won’t last; that she doesn’t feel the same. I’m too scared to tell her right now, but I’ll muster the courage. I know deep in my heart that she does, but sometimes my thoughts drown out my reasoning. I love her. I cherish her. My platonic soulmate.
  6. I’m comfortable with myself. I think before I was forcing myself into a box of ideals. Laugh like this. Act like this. Dress like this. Life’s so much more fun when you don’t care and do whatever you want. I cut my hair and dye it so many times. I buy old clothes from the thrift shop or a nice piece from the mall. Let me paint my nails 10 different colors and wear ruffly socks. It’s so much fun. It was a long journey. But having great people and a good book really helped me. Seriously, Call Me By Your Name is such a great book. The way Andre Aciman wrote about love and how it’s weird and heart-consuming. How love makes you want to be more like the other person and it doesn’t have to be necessarily romantic at first although it may turn out to be. After reading that book, I cried for 3 hours and didn’t talk to anyone over winter break because I needed to process my own thoughts. After reading that book, I sent messages to all my friends who made an impact in my life to show them how I’ll never forget them. My life is full of love and joy because now I’m at a point where I can confidently ask for it and give it.

TL;DR

I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life right now. I still have sad days (which is why I came back and read all my old posts today) and I’m not quite there to achieve ULTIMATE CONTENTNESS haha, but I’m getting there. I finally know what people mean when high school is one of the greatest times of your life and I love my friends. It’s scary to know where I’m gonna end up next, especially since college decisions come out this month, but life’s going and I’m going with it. Life’s a b****, but I’m the alpha in charge. I will choose my own destiny and create good vibes for myself. Thanks and peace out!

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2 comments

jmc22 3/6/2020 - 1:49 am

Please excuse my grammar in this, I was word vomiting.

Hadouken 3/13/2020 - 12:43 am

Hey, just wanted to stop by to say I’m really happy for you and it was a lovely read.
A stranger is out here proud of you šŸ™‚

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