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Never in my imagination did I think it would be like this

by ivygradhc

I have posted a few things the last few days concerning my depression and my yearning to just disappear from it all.   The depression has been with me at least 50 of my 58 years and I can say the yearning to disappear has been with me since I was 12 or 13.

Recently I’ve been doing a sort of “mental sort” of key triggers of my depression and One that I never thought was a major factor was the state of affairs.      I was always able to see hope past world events and economic cycles.   My triggers tended to be from loneliness or fear of loneliness, or feelings of failure and inadequacy.        One of my safety nets has been humour.   I loved social media for this because I could post something and see by the likes and other emoticons posted that it made people laugh.

Well, after seeing empty shelves at 3 different supermarkets yesterday, and hearing that the current administration is disclaiming responsibility for any of this I cannot add any humour, and I am not seeing any hope for this to get better.

That wish to disappear is now very much in my thoughts.    I’ve not acted on it for over 20 years because of my fear of the means to that end (I want nothing painful or dangerous to others).  I also do not want it to be an “attention getter” from which my plan would be to survive and let others see how bad I am hurting.   I had enough of that thrown at me by an alcoholic parent who constantly threatened suicide.       I realize that one time in my life I was like that, and I feel awful about those that I hurt while going through that.       I simply want to go to sleep and not wake up.

I may be wrong about not acting on it the last 20 years as well.   My health during this time has taken a beating and I had hoped that would take care of things.    At this point only my therapist knows how I am feeling.  I am trying to keep her informed, and have agreed that If I start thinking through a viable plan that I will call her or get to the ER.      My wife knows about my depression but I do not think she knows how I feel now.    We are currently living in different cities because of work situation, and I have keep my worst feelings to myself.

So I am at a point where I truly do not want to be in all this but I do not have a viable plan given my fear of that means.   I have no idea what would happen if I try to OD with what I have in the cabinet, but I am scared that all that will happen will be that I wake up in some ICU with my liver destroyed.    I find myself wishing that my diabetes, AFIB (atrial fibrillation)  obesity or something else can do the job for me.   If there were a cluster nearby where this virus was active,  I’d seek that out.     But I have nothing like that and my mind is incapable of working through a plan.   All I know is things are a lot worse than before and at this point I do not see how they will get better….

 

 

 

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3 comments

Jessesgirl 3/18/2020 - 8:00 am

I would like to talk if you are available to still. I get that struggle. I understand more than many my age would. Its a stulruggle to even get up in the morning but people look at me. Im young. I dont look ill. I have someone that makes those dark points just a little more bearable but i still have my plan and he knows it. It hurts to know it worries him but I told him once I would never lie to him. So he asked. I told him everything. Perhaps we could on another app or something?

ivygradhc 3/21/2020 - 9:46 am

This could be a Possibility. Do you know if this site has private chat capability? or do you have other suggestions on the best way to contact? Let me know. I’m still without any semblance of a plan, but am so tired of it all.

TheChimeraMonster 3/25/2020 - 10:11 am

I have to say, its amazing that you are still here. 58 years, and with depression? God you’re a warrior.

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