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why am i even here?

by DOA

im with someone that is negative, hypocritical, and seems to only see my body.my situation is fucked up and its all my fault. im married i really should drop my friend, its all my fault. ive fucked everything up. at this point i just want to watch my head explode.

(might have been a bad time to get drunk and high. on top of this my grandfather will be here in a few hours. the one person that knows nothing about my mental state, the drinking, the drugs, cutting……and here i am in an extremely bad mental state, drunk, stoned and probably about to cut) professional fuck up. im so much better off dead. no one needs me im just a pain in the ass.

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i_morph 3/16/2020 - 4:14 pm

go take shower, prepare a short believable story that explain why you are tired a bit and cannot have long conversations.

side note; cutting does not (necessarily) mean that you also would finish yourself, or have urge to do it. it is solvable.

DOA 3/17/2020 - 1:36 am

Nothing against your comment but it is clear you haven’t see my other posts. Where I not only cut but I hit my head off walls, rip my hair out and jump out of moving vehicles.

My disorders have me living in a place that is far from reality. I see things that aren’t there.

My parents have abused me mentally, physically and sexual. My friends/bfs ignored me and when I wasnt being ignored they were using me sexually. Because why not it’s not like my parents were giving me attention.

Trust me it’s more then cutting and I want to die.

i_morph 3/21/2020 - 9:18 pm

For other reasons I also lost my trust in people. I planned to finish myself soon, but not yet decided about the exact time. I read poems when the “unbearable feeling of discomfort in my own skin” hits, I suggest it. It helps in a way that it prevents me from doing things that I do not want. I suggest Hermann Hesse, though choice of poets/poems is a matter of taste.

I did not want in any sense to undermine the pain that you go through. It was only a quick fix. Thank you for your comment.

If I want to suggest you to read one thing before finishing yourself, that is “Richard Brautigan (1967) Trout Fishing in America”. Is a short one.

If you planned to live a bit longer, then for sure this: “Infinite Jest – 1996 David Foster Wallace”. Is a big one.

Ironically, both writers finished themselves.

Happy reads Happy death

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