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Why Aren’t I Ending My Life?

by thehusk

If it’s cowardice that’s stopping me, is that something I should try to overcome? Would that even be possible?

If it’s because I don’t want to devastate my parents, then why isn’t that enough to motivate me to get my shit together and do what I need to to survive?

If I’m always going to be alone, and the main purpose of life is connection with others, then what’s the point in continuing?

If I’m an unforgivably terrible person, and the world would be better off without me, then why aren’t I doing the right thing and ending it?

If my mind generates high levels of emotional suffering, and I’m in significant persistent physical discomfort, and there’s potential for things to get far worse in future, and little prospect of them getting better, then why am I putting myself through this?

If all of my hopes, dreams, and fantasies are delusional, then what is this for?

How does one live with this level of despair without dysfunctional escape into delusion and addiction?

Is the possibility of a worse existence beyond death even worth considering?

I really wish that someone could help me with any of these questions. But I don’t think anybody can. I don’t think there’s anybody who has had my twisted experience of reality who has ‘come out the other side’. There are no role models or mentors. There is no path.

I don’t believe in religion. I don’t think any of my therapists really understood. Having listened to many a scientist and philosopher I don’t think there would be anything meaningful to say about my case from those disciplines.

I’m on my own with this. And I don’t have a fucking clue.

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morieris 3/30/2020 - 3:41 am

Hatred is more powerful than cowardice. Here’s the question. What’s could possibly more powerful than hatred? It’s for you to know.
Uhmm maybe you don’t love anyone enough to keep you alive.
It’s not bad to be alone, yes it’s PAINFUL AF and a SAD REALITY but with time you’ ll get through it and find your confidant. And being aone would teach you to love yourself and be independent. As they say “People just come and go”
Is ending really the right way or the easiest way out? Everyone is terrible even the people around you. Forgiveness is just smthng not to be rushed and takes time. Also, forgive yourself. It matters.
Overthinking kills. Before you get there your mind already killed you. Body can heal with a right ampunt of will and motivation. Your mind should be prioritized and the rest will follow.
Hopes, dreams and fantasies, even if they’re delusional, are there to keep you going and give you a boost.
It’s a choice if you’ll give in to delusion and addiction. I vented out through self harm and vices. AND BY CAVING IN.
Sometimes it’s nice to have faith, depending on your choice of religion, kinda gives you hope.
Try watching TED Talks, helps and might keep you grounded for some time.

WaitLonger 3/30/2020 - 2:14 pm

It’s tough to be alone, but the purpose of life really is not to connect with others. There’s no real purpose other than simply survive, so you can really do whatever you want.
Honestly, we’re all just waiting. That’s it. No matter what anyone says, we’re just waiting and passing the time.

thehusk 3/30/2020 - 7:01 pm

But why go on surviving, if you’re suffering and lack the ability to meaningfully connect? That’s what I struggle with. I don’t really want to do anything else, other than self-destructive addictive stuff.

_loser_ 3/31/2020 - 1:30 am

Yo, uhh, I tried to leave this comment yesterday on someone’s post, but the post got deleted while the comment was in moderation. So I learned you CAN’T actually commit suicide unless you have one of the motivations that drives people specifically to suicide. Those motivations are the typical things you usually read about, being jilted by a lover, feeling like a burden, etc;. I wish I could remember the article so I could give the reasons, but basically from what I’ve seen and read you’re likely not going to commit suicide unless you have one if these reasons… Apparently shit like being abused, raped, etc; Won’t necessarily do it.

Once I realized suicide isn’t an option for me I gave up on wasting my time trying to work up to it and saved a lot of time and energy… So yeah you are basically trapped like this.

Unless Ghengis Khan comes to rape and pillage your village or accidentally die while seeking attention you probably ain’t gonna be able to commit suicide if you don’t possess one of the specific motives.

thehusk 3/31/2020 - 5:35 am

I mean I’m defintely a burden to my parents. It would be good to know whether or not it’s actually possible for me to end it. Though it would be depressing to feel trapped like this.

_loser_ 3/31/2020 - 6:12 am

Yeaahhhh, I mean, presumably, it’s more about being a burden to someone you love, find important, or whom actually matters, you know.

Dearest 4/1/2020 - 3:15 pm

Humans are just stupidly smart animals. Deep within us we all have the instinctual drive to survive and most people don’t question it. The natural will to live quietly hides behind the personal reasons to live like family, love, happiness, ect. Yet people can still kill themselves. I think one of the reasons being suicidal is so painful is the conflict between instincts and will. If your will to die is at 100% then it’s easy to just commit to suicide, but anything less than that means you still have hope to fuel your desire to live. Hope that your circumstances will improve or you’ll suddenly realize that you actually do have worth as a human being.
sorry, just some thoughts. Dunno if thats naive or makes no sense or just obvious, but i find myself thinking about “will vs hope” every time i wonder why i havent been able to kill myself yet. being hopeless and calm feels nice when it happens

thehusk 4/2/2020 - 1:22 am

That makes sense.

If it is primarily survival instinct that’s stopping me, I worry that it’s leading me to the wrong choice. Because it seems pretty blind to the reality of my circumstances. So it might push me to endure suffering as long as I physically can, without any other positive outcome. I don’t know at what point it’s better to overcome that instinct and force an end, or whether that’s even possible for a ‘stupidly smart animal’ (as you aptly put it.)

My hope is similarly blind. I have hope in the sense that I still feel deeply a desire for things to change – to live a meaningful life. But that’s constantly transforming into despair, as my mind tries to follow through the steps that would be necessary to get me to that state, and I realize there’s no way forward. It’s a very painful experience. I have delusional/fantastical hope, rather than hope I actually believe in.

Anyway, thank you for your thoughts.

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