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by yellow birdie

I love what my life has come to. It’s been a couple months since I tried to kill myself. Even though things are getting better, it also feels like they are getting worse. I have been through a lot but not a lot at the same time. I completely understand people how have no reason to feel they way they do because that’s me. I had no reason for feeling so sad. I live an okay life. My parents can afford to pay for necessities, I’ve never been bullied, I have nice friends but I still felt that way. Anyway that’s enough about that, the only reason why I am here writing this is to talk about me being insecure. This is the reason why I hate high school/ secondary school. You just feel like you need to be better. I was quite a confident person but in less than 2 months that completely changed. I struggle talking to new people – and its annoying when my parents overlook it. We will go to someone’s house and they will make me introduce myself. Like no. I can’t, the words stop coming from my mouth. One day my friends were talking on a group chat and we were talking about ourselves when we all met for the first time. One of them said I was quiet, this was surprising to my friends as I’m usually annoying and loud. I love how off topic this got. Anyway the point I was trying to say, is that life is hard. I told my friend a day or two ago how I struggle talking to them because I feel like I am a nuisance, you know? She said I wasn’t and how I’m lovely and all that but then yesterday all my friends were talking about how I needed help. The whole conversation started when I disregarded life as if it was nothing because that’s what it is to me. If reincarnation is real, being a human must be the worst thing that you can become because wow.  Anyway the only reason my friends told me I needed help was because I said I wanted to kill someone in my life. This has been a goal to me for a while now then my friend told me it wasn’t good so I changed it to hurting someone causing them pain and they still complained. Later on that day I was talking to some people on Instagram – people which I hadn’t known for 24 hours – and they were so nice. It started out by my saying about my sleep schedule and all that. They told me it isn’t healthy to sleep for 3 hours and I should at least sleep for 6 if not 8. After a few minutes they were talking about how I should take care of myself and all that. I told them about my eating issues from a year ago. And they were so nice to me about it, some of them had even gone through it. It was so nice just being accepted. Instead of people telling me to get help, they told me it was fine and I could talk to them about stuff. God. I’m crying now. Anyway rant over. Smile. Even though, everyone says this its true. One day the pain will go away, one day just try to wait for that day. You might take step backwards sometimes but just remember that it will be fine. Sooner or later.



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